I have limited willpower and today I hit that limit. By nature I am a snoop but I think that most people are. Studly is very open and I try my best to keep some distance and give him some privacy.

Bank statements and dividend reports strewn on the table? I avert my eyes – his financial situation is none of my buisness.

Journal conveniently located on the computer, causing my fingers to itch just to open it once? I exert superhuman strength and close the laptop.

Medicine cabinet propped open less than an inch, calling my name to open it fully? I carefully wash my hands or brush my teeth and step away slowly.

Handing me his phone while he leaves the room, asking me to look something up while the Facebook app is open and text messages just waiting for me to review? I take a deep breath and only open the app he requested.

But when he left his notebook at my house I couldn’t help myself. He has a small notebook that fits into his pocket and he takes it everywhere. He writes down little notes to himself and things he needs to remember. I’ve been dying to look in it since we started dating, but I’ve always held off. Until today when he left it at my house and I finally couldn’t take it anymore.

Going through it, I could tell it was in chronological order so I flipped through from most recent to when he first got it. And there, on one little page was something I had not expected. It was a list comparing his best friend / my brother’s (now) ex-girlfriend…and me.

Remember how SlipNSlide confessed she had feelings for him and then he decided not to spend as much time with her? It looks like (based on the entires surrounding this one) that it was around that timeframe when he made the list.

First of all, is anyone else dying to know what the fuck he crossed out? I tried to figure it out for over 20 minutes, but he really scratched it out. I’m wondering if it said CHEATER and he changed it to “impulsive”. Maybe that’s just me being bitter.

Next issue – what the fuck does “edgy” mean? Don’t get me wrong, I’m proud of my education and the work I put into my degree, but what did he mean by edgy? Does that mean I’m predictable or something?

And finally the one that makes me most nervous is the line comparing whether we get on top during sex. Based on when I’m guessing this entry was made, he and I had already had sex so he knew I was game to climb on top. I could go the safe route and say that SlipNSlide has never been one to keep a secret and she’s told her own MOTHER that she won’t be on top. She’s not exactly known for keeping things like this to herself. So it’s possible that she brought it up in a conversation and that’s how he knew. I know that sounds implausible, but I knew about her entire sexual history within days of meeting her, including her sexual assault by a former boyfriend. She’s the type to over share. But there’s this niggling voice in the back of my head that wonders…during the time before he and I met after SlipNSlide cheated on RockStar with her previous best friend…was there even once when they were hanging out that one thing led to another and that’s how he found out?

In my opinion, if he slept with SlipNSlide before meeting me…well anything before meeting me is fair game. But how do I feel about the fact that my boyfriend may have slept with my brother’s girlfriend? There’s just something so…incestuous about it. Plus now that Studly and I know we have HPV, if he did sleep with SlipNSlide my brother is at risk. Or maybe that’s where he got it – she has cheated a number of times without using condoms.

I’m so torn now, because I was so sure that Studly would never cheat. When I first found out that SlipNSlide had a new best friend I questioned her about him because I was protective of RockStar.

“I wouldn’t cheat on RockStar again, I love him. Plus Studly’s last girlfriend really fucked with him, cheating on him over and over so he would never help someone else cheat.”

After meeting Studly, we talked about unfaithfulness and he said that it was a huge issue for him. It’s a deal breaker and he said he never wanted to go through that again. This should reassure me right? WRONG! Clearly by making this list, it indicates that he considered being with SlipNSlide even though she was dating someone else and he was seeing me. At that point in our relationship, we’d been dating less than a month and I was still going on dates with other men. We weren’t exclusive and hadn’t had The Talk. I wouldn’t be upset if he had considered someone else when we first started dating, it’s just the fact that the person that he considered was a woman I expected to be my future sister-in-law!

I’ll never tell him I snooped and I won’t let him know that I know about the list. But I can’t help but wonder…

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