Men I (Usually) Regret

For some reason, I suck at picking men. I’ve begun to accept it and I’m pretty sure this is why matchmaking services, arranged marriages and religious celibacy were invented. Because I can’t be the only one who sucks at this. Here’s a list of the men that I have mentioned or plan to write about. This list is by no means complete…unfortunately.

D.L. My first boyfriend, we dated off and on during high school but he was too gun shy to meet my family (frankly, I can’t blame him – they’re freaking nuts) and his dad has been married six times so he had worse commitment issues than me! He dumped me right before I bought our prom tickets (at least he had good timing). He suffers from bipolar disorder and I haven’t spoken to him since 2007.
Pretentious Author Childhood friends and neighbors, our brothers were best friends. Everyone was surprised it took us until adulthood to date (bad timing I guess…or maybe good timing since he was kind of a jerk and that would have devastated me in High School). He was in the army (my only excuse is that ArmyWives was addictive. Yeah, that sounds worse than if I hadn’t said it at all) while I was in college 1,000 miles away. Depressed, angry, narcissistic and a complete ass (you should be worried that people like him are given guns and sent overseas), he was writing a book about his sexual exploits which I’m hoping will never be published. He dumped me over MySpace the day before my final exams began. His family thinks I’m still in love with him.
CM AKA my “Colossal Mistake”. My mother’s neighbor invited me to a party right after I was dumped by Pretentious Author and then drove me out to the middle of nowhere, refusing to let me answer my phone and acting creepy in general. He revealed that he was 30 (after originally telling me he was in his early 20’s), had a young son (3 months old…oh my), moved to Hometown because of legal reasons over a DUI, and had a wife. I wrote a short Throwback Thursday series about him.
BBG Met through a club in college, he’s an intensely attractive man. We flirted but when I told him I was interested in more he gave me a (bullshit) line about not being ready for a relationship unless it was one without strings. I said no only to find out that he made a similar offer to my close friend GPS (while telling us both it would be an exclusive friends with benefits). I recently contacted him again out of boredom and an inability to find a man in Hometown only to receive a horrendously inappropriate text about his r@pe fantasies despite the fact that he knows I had a traumatic experience in that arena. Will probably be murdered by a jealous ex-girlfriend one day.
Armadillo Shortly after my rejection by BBG, I started seeing another member of the college club. Armadillo looked like Al Borland from Home Improvement but was a fascinating guy who had traveled the world and always had a funny story to contribute. I stopped seeing him after finding out that he routinely drove home completely hammered and said it was no big deal . I’m not OK with drunk driving!
The Wiz Featured in a few Throwback Thursdays, he was an awesome guy who I met through a fake plant, had a master key to my apartment building and was an all around fun guy. He gave me some stellar man-advice after he revealed that he was half in love with my friend Elle (I always had crushes on guys who were into her). Moved back to the Midwest after a failed music career.
TG Met at a store where my bank was located, TG seemed awesome at first. Smart, funny, motivated; he said he wanted to become a lawyer. After giving him my number and never hearing from him, he ran into me and called me by the wrong name (my name is not Elizabeth). I saw him a few months ago while vising college friends and he lied about texting me – he had deleted my number. I haven’t been to Generic College in a few months, but I have no intention of going back to that bank ever again…just in case.
KC An interesting mix of Honduran and Thai, KC loved taking risks in most situations (rock climbing, sky diving), just not on me. We met in a class in college and after dating for a while I told him about a traumatic experience in my life. He was the first guy that I had told and I was understandably devastated when he ditched me – refusing to respond to me until I ran into him at school. According to him, I should never expect any man to be OK with what happened to me and the thought that he might be right haunts me.
Jarhead A former Marine, we met on a well known dating site. He was 34 (I was 21) but we had such great conversations that I decided to take a leap. He was a good guy at first – amazing cook, said all of the right things (how can I turn away a man who says “you look beautiful”, “I really enjoy our conversations”, “when I’m with you it’s easy to forget about everything else”? I’m only human!) but ended up being clingy as hell and had a kid half my age. I cut things off the night before my graduation but he still contacts me (I can’t fathom why he keeps trying).
Saran Wrap Was working at a drive thru I frequented after I got my hair done and when he gave me his number we started texting all of the time. We set up a date but it quickly turned creepy (remember, I’d met him once for 5 minutes) – he wanted to skip the plan of going to a movie to hang out at his house. Alone. When I said no he revealed that his real reason for the change was being unable to drive his car for the rest of the month (no further explanation on that mysterious statement!). He got really angry that I wouldn’t see him which only made me more wary. Eventually all of the guilt trips only caused me to withdraw and I resolved to break it off (and never eat at that fast food place again – which I really haven’t been doing anyway since I’m on a diet). After trying to break it off multiple times on the phone (he was shockingly persuasive) I simply stopped responding or answering when he called. Haven’t heard from him but now I’m terrified of that fast food place!
Twitch We met on a popular dating site after I took an long hiatus from seeing anyone. Our first date consisted of him guzzling coffee that he clearly didn’t need – he was pretty twitchy. That made him cute in an unsophisticated way and we had a lot of fun together. However, the more we dated the more I realized I wasn’t really attracted to him. He never once made a move, not even to hold my hand and I felt too guilty to push the issue since I didn’t like him that way. As of now we never officially broke things off, but both of us have not contacted each other since Independence day. I wish all the best for him, he’s a really awesome guy (wow, you don’t hear that much in this list!).
HOTTT Insanely attractive but ultimately uninterested, HOTTT and I met over the infamous dating website. He was so attractive that when I first met him I hastily decided to faint, just so I could be in his arms (I was completely unsurprised to find that previous dates had groped him. I was considering it!). He was witty, smart and charming, but had a fatal flaw – he didn’t give a damn. He seemed incapable of texting me back or asking me out, so I quickly moved on after a bit of fun. I think I’ll miss him most of all (OK that’s not true, I’ll miss his smokin’ bod but that’s about it).
Studly My current boyfriend, we have tons of fun avoiding my insane family (by cutting open our appendages in the hopes that we bleed out quickly), Geocaching (which is how I met him. Also I was hopped up on drugs – legal ones!) and soothing the angry screams of Sam the Cat, who barely approves of him. I told him I loved him after finding out that he had a parasitic bug living on him – that’s how you know it’s real y’all.

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