Scarred for Life By Pinterest And A BreakUp

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Amazon has been dating this guy, Good Christian Guy (GCG) for the past year. Since they’re both very religious, they’ve barely done more than peck each others lips and hold hands while on group dates.

Did I mention they’re in their early 30’s and he’s divorced? It’s not like they’re both virgins. But I digress.

They pray together…a lot, and have been saying they’re in love since their two month anniversary, which they actually celebrated. Last month GCG went to Amazon’s parents and asked for permission to marry her and when they said yes he brought his grandmother’s ring for her to try on so it could be resized.

Hold the phones.

I realize in the olden days women were owned by the men in their lives and therefore permission needed to be asked and given in order for the ownership of said woman to transfer. That’s why fathers walk their daughters down the aisle and literally give them away to their husbands, kind of like buying a car and meeting at the DMV to have the title transferred over.

Personally, it would insult me as an autonomous person if my future spouse asked my parents for permission to marry me, because the only person who can give an answer that makes any difference is me. Ultimately, it will only be two people in the relationship. I know some people will cite ‘tradition’, but didn’t we burn witches at the stake? What a lovely tradition! In some cultures men had to pay for the priviledge of marrying women and in others women had to come with a dowry, why don’t we keep those ‘traditions’? Ah, because (in my country) women are independent individuals and parents should not pay or be paid.

Anyway, I’ll stop ranting and say ‘to each their own’. I let Studly know that if he wanted to ask such a question of me, so be it. But the question should go to me first, foremost and only, because as far as I can see, we’re the only two invested in the answer.

Back to Amazon.

Here she was: a strong, independent woman with a job and healthcare, a fiance and the future bright ahead of her, her 30th birthday only two weeks away. Until GCG called her and told her that he’d been thinking and he decided that things weren’t working out between them. And he broke up with her.

OMG guys, how friggen sick is that – to propose to a woman, have her try on your grandmother’s ring and then dump her a week later, a mere two weeks before a major birthday!? He wouldn’t even tell her why, just that it wasn’t working. That’s not very Christian of him.

Amazon was duly devastated and took some time to recover. He finally told her that the reason they were breaking up is because she didn’t respect him as a leader and man of their relationship, since they hold with ‘traditional values’ he should lead their relationship. He felt she disrespected him by questioning decisions that he made for them. I told her that I couldn’t believe they dated for a year without her punching him or vomiting due to all the shit coming out of his mouth. She giggled then gave me a lecture about how god doesn’t like potty mouths. I told her that her god shouldn’t have invented anuses…or assholes.

Athiesm, gotta love it.

I went over to her place a month after they broke up to help her redecorate – we painted and I helped her assembe a new bed with a DIY headboard made out of some old wooden planks we nailed together (I was terrified of the nail gun) and some white paint haphazardly slapped on. Once the room was done it looked beautiful and we grabbed some food and went outside to let her apartment air out since the paint smell was overwhelming. She brought her laptop so that we could watch a movie while we waited, but then we started talking about Pinterest.

Imagine this headboard painted white so that streaks of the wood show though...I heart DIY projects!

Imagine this headboard painted white so that streaks of the wood show though…I heart DIY projects!

“My coworker is kind of crazy. She isn’t even dating anyone, but she has her entire wedding planned on Pinterest. Down to the smallest detail. I know that men don’t usually like to get too involved with things like this, but maybe some do! It’s a major day in their lives too, planning before you even met the guy implies that it doesn’t matter who they are or what they’re interests or likes are, it’s only about the bride.”

“I don’t agree.”

“I’m not saying having ideas is a bad thing, but when you say it’s set in stone you negate any ideas or requests your future guy might have which you can’t anticipate because you haven’t even met him yet!”

“I had my entire wedding planned on Pinterest.”

“That’s different, you were going to marry GCG. You didn’t plan it before you met him.”

“…yes I did.”

“What!?”

“Yes, he and I went through it and if he didn’t like things I removed them. We used it as a foundation for what we wanted.”

At this point I’m speechless. That happens when I open my mouth and insult something only to find out I’ve just insulted the person I’m spending time with.

Amazon looked down, “So, do you want to see?”

Already feeling bad, I nodded mutely. Then she proceeded to show me 267 pictures of her wedding. Down to exactly what vest color would have gone perfectly with GCG’s hair. Fuck.

It was awkward.
It was sad.
It was a damn train wreck.

Then I saw another Pinterest board that had the words “Our Perfect Room”. I pointed it out and she started to show me. Every DIY project she had done, alone and with me was on there.

“Wow! There are so many pictures on here, how did you figure out how you wanted your bedroom to look so quickly?”

“Oh I’ve been pinning these for ages.”

“Really? I thought you only decided to redecorate after you and GCG broke up.”

“Oh, well actually I’ve been planning this room for a while. It was going to be the master bedroom once GCG and I got married.”

And just like that, the bedroom project turned from a statement about being single and getting over a breakup into some sort of shrine to the relationship that had died.

I thought it couldn’t get any weirder or more awkward. Until I saw that she had a board that said “Children I Wish I Had”.

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Evelyn Update

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We’ve been following Evelyn’s journey during messy break ups and some really strange behavior, but now we’ve hit the motherload.

Let’s recap her past few years, shall we?

First, she was denied entry into colleges in California due to low GPA, so she decided to go to the midwest to follow her career path…of opening a bakery…with a Classical History degree. Since she was moving she decided to lose her virginity to some random dude while we were drunk and then she fell for him all while telling him the she only wanted to be fuck buddies. After breaking her heart over this worthless piece of crap, she rebounded with a marine preparing to ship off to Afganistan who joked about killing Evelyn and some friends (including me) then licked the inside of his ‘best friend’s’ mouth and put a picture of it on Facebook. Eventually, they broke up – although not soon enough to salvage what was left of her pride. A few weeks after Evelyn posted a status about the marine dating someone new, she was suddenly in a new relationship…and they got a phone plan together! And an apartment!

And now, less than six months after they first met, he proposed.

Yep, you read that correctly.

Over the months she’s lived with him, she’s contacted me less and less frequently. It feels like I’m throwing notes to her across the 1,600 mile distance and I never know if she receives them and just doesn’t want to talk to me or if she doesn’t get them at all. I suspect it’s the former. I know she’s alive because I have a daily stream of notifications about her Farmville on my Facebook.

98 other items in a 1 month period and she can't take 25 seconds to fucking text me?

98 other items in a 1 month period and she can’t take 25 seconds to fucking text me?

She did pause in helping local Farmville villages long enough to ask me to be a bridesmaid and inform me that the wedding colors would be apple green for the ladies (this dress will go really badly with my skin tone) and teal for the men.

Aside from that I’ve heard more new life events from Charles Dickens…if you don’t count how many prized longhorn cows she’s raised as “life events”.

I’m pretty sure it makes me a bitch and a bad friend, but I question if they’ll make it to the wedding…

Opera House

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I’ve never been to the Opera, but I’ve dreamed of going. My grandfather used to sing and I watched some videos of his performances but he retired before I was born. Hometown has the honor of a real Opera production passing through the town and playing one show next week! I don’t know who slept with the Opera manager to get them to do a show here, but THANK YOU, your sacrifice was worth it.

Poww, TweedleSweet and I decided to go; little did they know how serious I was going to get about this. After purchasing the tickets I wrote them a quick email:

I know Hometown isn’t like New York and people probably don’t dress up for the Opera, but I am not “people”. Be prepared, I will be wearing something fabulous!

We bought the cheapest tickets and I asked TweedleSweet what to wear. She hadn’t even thought about it. My gawd.

Zoogie2: I’m wearing a dress. Probably my black one, or possibly the gray

Poww: omg me too…how embarassing!

Zoogie2: Poww, I’m wearing my gray dress and that’s final. If you wear your gray dress, we’re going to match and that will be horrific. Please select another color dress.

So my dress was pulled out and ironed but then I realized I’ll be missing the cute obnoxious opera binoculars. What’s a girl to do? TweedleSweet came to the rescue on that.

“All you really need is some flash. I have a black and navy blue boa if you want to wear that.”

Yes, TweedleSweet. I would love to wear a boa.

Evelyn’s Jump to Mr. Suspicious

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Well, that was faster than a quickie with a whore! Evelyn already has a new boyfriend (who we’ll call Mr. Suspicious) just weeks after her Facebook update crying about her ex’s new relationship. Coincidence? I think not. I didn’t even hear about this guy until the Facebook relationship update and they met 3 weeks ago.

Apparently the electricity went out in her neighborhood and he is a technician who went house to house to let them know it was back on. They started flirting and she gave him her number. Doesn’t that sound fishy? Anytime my electricity goes off, no one lets me know it’s back on. The TV just spontaneously turns back on with those screetching women on The View once the power line is fixed.

They started dating and moved into boyfriend/girlfriend titles right away. Despite the fact that his facebook says he’s engaged to another woman (supposedly they broke up) and he lost his job within days of meeting Evelyn, she’s opened up to him completely. What do I mean by that? Well…I went to a 50 Shades of Gray party (wearing a baby doll gray dress and a pair of fuzzy handcuffs with the key around my neck) and saw Evelyn’s mom…where she updated me on a few things.

Turns out Evelyn, after knowing this guy for six weeks and dating for three, decided to sign a year long lease with him and they’ve moved in together. So she’s legally tied to a guy with no job who she just met until the contact ends in August 2013.  Oh and she got rid of her phone and signed onto a phone plan with him. Brilliant move!

She hasn’t been in contact with me since telling me about Mr. Suspicious and apparently she’s cut everyone off. She claims she’s working a lot, but she won’t even return a text message – let alone a call. Given her history of abusive relationships (2 out of 4 boyfriends…) I think this could be a really bad sign. But now that she’s living 1,600 miles away with no close friends or relatives nearby…what can we do?

SlipNSlide’s Tantrum

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Ever since SlipNSlide admitted having feelings for my boyfriend, we haven’t really spoken. But since she is my brother’s girlfriend and my boyfriend’s best friend (when the fuck did I fall into an episode of Days of Our Lives?), I’m still invited to her birthday. Studly and I jointly gave money to RockStar to buy her a laptop and I wrote her a card from us. Studly also arranged for an additional small gift for her from him as well as helping clean her whole house and yard in anticipation for the party.

I showed up after work and it was clear almost everyone had been drinking for a while. I won’t go into too much detail but my ex-boyfriend Pretentious Author’s brother was there. Joy! He’s convinced I’m still in love with Pretentious Author and just too pathetic to move on. Even though PA got married…and had a kid…and is writing a book about his sexual exploits…and is clearly a jerk. Even after meeting Studly, the brother still seemed to think it was all a set up, but maybe that’s because he was totally trashed.

One thing that SlipNSlide wanted was a big stick that lit on fire for her to twirl around. She’s learning to be a fire dancer, which is actually pretty cool. Studly decided to buy a broom as a gift just from him and detach the head, so she would think that the stick was her fire stick. Then we would pull out the fire stick her sister bought her. Not the best idea when someone is drunk. She opened the broom and started screeching about how mean it was. Even when given the actual fire stick, she was still pissed about the broom and no one would let her light the damn thing because we were convinced if she breathed on it she would go up in flames.

I stayed just long enough for her to open her laptop and watch her mouth form the words, “It’s not an iPad“. At that point I was sober (I have no idea why I volunteered to be designated driver, I should have started drinking and made Studly drive) and I was completely done with her. I mostly avoided SlipNSlide, helping my mom to play beer pong for the first time and then watching her kick ass at Quarters. In her words, “I knew I learned something useful in college!”

Essential items for my mom in college…

Finally Studly came up to me and said he was tired and really drunk. We started saying goodbye to everyone and I realized the birthday girl was missing. We eventually discovered her in her bedroom trying to set up the computer alone. I gave her a quick hug goodbye and wished her a happy birthday. I left the room so that Studly and SlipNSlide could say goodbye alone.

There are some people who would find that strange or wonder why I wasn’t curious to hear what was said. It’s my belief that if you have to watch your significant other to make sure they aren’t doing something wrong or questionable, they’ll find a way to do it anyway. If you have to monitor someone, then maybe they aren’t the right person for you. If I felt that something inappropriate would be said or done after I left, I wouldn’t be with Studly. There wouldn’t be any point. And I trust that if something is said to him, he’ll tell me.

Which is exactly what he did.

Studly is one of those people who gives and gives. Those types usually find people who take and take, which is the type Studly usually dates. His last girlfriend had no job, no car, no prospects for either, relied on him entirely for everything and cheated on him frequently. He just kept giving her gifts and attention and love because he wanted to feel needed. Luckily he worked all of that out and is now with me and I can take care of myself just fine, thank you very much. SlipNSlide is a taker as well just like RockStar is a giver. SlipNSlide told Studly after I left that she was disappointed that he hadn’t given her an amazing gift like he had said he would. She felt like he could have done better.

Wow.

To recap: he put in money for a laptop, got her a card, a broom and cleaned her house. For his birthday she gave him…a call at midnight. After pointing all of this out to her she said, “Yeah but you promised me a good birthday and this wasn’t good.” We left shortly after that and I haven’t heard from her since. What a sense of entitlement!

Evelyn’s Goes Public

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My Facebook is drier than the Sahara. I don’t post rants or jokes, I don’t put controversial articles or anything that could offend a potential employer someday. All of my pictures are me fully covered and usually smiling sweetly at the camera. Similar to a grinning sabre-toothed tiger slowly biding it’s time before attacking.

In other words, I recognize that there are many aspects of my life that I don’t want 250+ acqaintences to know about. Like the anniversary of my dad’s death, for example. I don’t put up somber or cryptic Facebook statuses (unlike my brother, who wrote last year “Such a sad day lives on in my memory” and his 500 FB friends were asking what was sad, and the six who actually knew what was going on were offering inspirational and meaningless quotes or little comments like “I remember years ago, so sad, so sad”).

So after Evelyn started dating a completely inappropriate guy then they broke up, I didn’t expect to see much on her Facebook for a while. Until yesterday when I saw her status was “I didn’t expect this pain so soon.” Of course everyone and their mother were commenting, asking what was wrong. Turns out The  Asshole already started dating again, updated his status to “In A Relationship” and left disgustingly gooey messages all over his girl’s page. Something he never did when dating Evelyn. Hell, she was over the moon when he would “like” her statuses!

So of course, she told everyone on Facebook and elicited sympathy with her status. I hate when people do this, because ultimately it’s a move done to manipulate others into making the person feel better. I don’t like being manipulated. She got to hear how awesome she is and how he’s going to regret their break up from a ton of friends. The thing is, he’s moved on. Clearly he’s already happy with someone else. I know he did a lot of emotionally abusive things (like call her names, passive aggressively ignore her and then demand her immediate attention, etc) but she wasn’t a walk in the park either. She’s extremely needy and would text him constantly. She manipulates people into giving her compliments. All the fucking time.

She has a habit of giving you a compliment and then berating herself in the same sentence. Things like, “Oh I love your hair today! My hair looks like total shit, I didn’t even brush it but yours looks amazing!” This obligates you to say how wonderful her hair looks before you can even thank her for the compliment, because if you don’t it’s like you’re implying that her hair does look like shit. Now imagine this happening constantly when discussing clothing, hair, career paths…just about anything.

When we went to Mardi Gras I couldn’t stand the other chick we went with, but I was really impressed when this bitch called Evelyn out on it. Evelyn said something like “Oh I love your outfit, it’s so sexy. I look like a colorblind nun but you look great!” and the other friend said, “You’re trying to get me to compliment you and I don’t mind saying nice things, but the way you’re going about it isn’t OK. You can ask my opinion on your outfit, but don’t insult yourself to get attention. Grow some self respect”. Harsh, but well put.

Don’t get me wrong, I love Evelyn like a sister. Just because you care about someone doesn’t mean you don’t see their flaws. I guess she achieved what she wanted from her Facebook post – she got a ton of comments…

Always Proofread

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Yesterday Poww and I were chatting over IM and he sent me a website without telling me anything about it. My mind read it one way…not the way the business intended. THIS is why you should review before you buy a domain!

Poww: dicksonweb .com

Zoogie2: uhhhh what kind of site is that?

Poww: ?

Zoogie2: dicks on web .com …seems like an odd thing to send. I just want to be careful before I click

Poww: wtf? dickson web.com

Zoogie2: ooooooooooo

I bet Freud would have something to say about this….

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