Family I’m Forced to Claim

I’ve occasionally been known to say nice things about my family, usually during a full moon or whenever they ask me point blank if I like them. Lying is easier than patting people on the back as they sob into tissues. Here’s a brief synopsis on the people I talk about who happen to be related to me:

Mom Recently married to Harley, Mom aspires to be the ‘cool mom’ (fail) and is obsessed with Sam the Cat liking her (good luck with that, Sam barely tolerates me). She’s a motorcycle mama (I really hate typing that) who spends most of her time: working, polishing the motorcycle, enjoying her empty nest, saying overtly religious things, criticizing her children and repeatedly begging RockStar and me not to have kids for another 10 years because “she’s not ready”. Well, me neither!
Dad Passed away over a decade ago when I was young. He was a reformed alcoholic who suffered from multiple illnesses including (but not limited to): pneumonia, diabetes, high blood pressure, MRSA, collapsed lung, pancreatic failure, kidney failure, and more. If you think I exaggerated that list….I did not. I was practically raised in hospital waiting rooms; on the other hand I can usually find my way to the cafeteria like a homing pigeon.
RockStar My only biological sibling and the carrier of my future kidney or lung transplant (he’s a lot healthier than me and I’ve already called dibs on his organs if something goes wrong with mine). He works for the government in a capacity I don’t agree with, went to the local city college for seven years (and counting!) and he’s an extremely talented musician. He’s taught himself guitar, bass, piano, harmonica, drums and by the time I’m done typing this I’m sure he’ll have mastered a new instrument. (Where was I when they were passing out the talent in this family?) He’s currently dating SlipNSlide.
SlipNSlide My brother’s girlfriend and the first woman he’s dated that the family actually likes. She’s impetuous, headstrong and a lot of fun. RockStar got her a job with him in a government division (how do you stand being together that much? Work, school, home…don’t they need any “me” time?) and we share everything (unfortunately, I now know way too much about my brother’s…ahem…”personal” life. Seriously TMI).
E-Shizzle My little brother, technically a former step-brother, our parents were together throughout our formative years and you can’terase’ family just because two adults are jackasses. He’s taken the hard road in life – doing lots of drugs, selling those same drugs, committing crimes (including stealing my car once!) and getting fired from a multitude of jobs. He does stupid things, but has a good heart.
Le Brat E-Shizzle’s little sister, although I am not currently claiming her as my step-sister. She’s made huge mistakes such as dating known gang members who are on trial for murder, asking anyone over the minimum age requirement to buy her booze and cigarettes, having sex in front of her grandmother and only calling when she wants something. Maybe we’ll be friends someday…maybe.
Granny My little grandmother, she’s adorable and my favorite family member. She helped to raise RockStar and me, and she’s extremely busy in her “retirement”: volunteering, teaching at the local city college, sitting on a number of boards and performing “black projects” in her field.
Gramps Gramps is an enigma – a powerful and highly intelligent man in his earlier years he held multiple PhD’s, taught at a prestigious Ivy League and climbed to the top of a well known government contracting company doing secret projects. After retirement, he started drinking heavily and gained a massive amount of weight which has caused him to become a hermit.
Harley My recently acquired step-father who has absolutely no social filter and says incredibly inappropriate things daily. A motorcycle enthusiast who lost his job during the housing crisis due to lack of construction work, he currently does odd jobs to pay the bills. He is the only thing keeping my sad little car running.
Sam The Cat My irritable, angry little hellcat, formerly abused but slowly turning sweet. She owns my pillows (and over half of the bed) and has a boyfriend (the cat next door, Howie). She’s an indoor, spayed, housebound cat and she still got a boyfriend before me. I’m pretty sure that makes me pathetic.
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