Crazies I Work With

I love my job, I love my job, I love my job…I think this is how cults get you to believe their crap, right? You just keep saying it until it’s true? Oh, I think there are other steps like food deprivation too…Fuck that, I love my carbs.

Here are some of my very interesting coworkers. Note that not everyone is included, only people I talk about often. My mom taught me that if you don’t have anything nice to say, you shouldn’t say anything at all. So the only thing I have to say about them is…uh, hm, ummmm. Oh! At least there’s never a dull moment in the office:

My former supervisor, Poww is also one of my closest friends…or he was. We used to sit next to each other and I affectionately called him my work husband (without the sexual benefits…so almost like a regular husband). He would play pranks all day long and distract me from work. Those were the days. His new boss, CGirl, moved him to the other side of the room and now he spends his time playing pranks on Smokin’. An only child, Poww can be capricious and often acts like an annoying younger brother, but his sweet nature helps you to forgive him…until the next time he super glues your coffee cup to your desk.
Always calculating, sometimes micromanaging, Ching is an amazing boss who personifies everything I hope to be someday. Able to effectively reinvent her job again and again while maintaining a loyal and happy team, she is extremely well regarded. After six years working for her, I greatly admire her and one of the biggest reasons why I enjoy is my job is because of her. She can be funny and is always looking out for her employees, but she’s also very rigid and wants to control everything.
Cheech & Chong
Team members located in China, they are the only coworkers on my team under Ching. Quiet, studious and hardworking – they make me wonder if Asians really are just better than Americans (conclusion: yes). Ching is also from China, so sometimes during our phone calls I mute my phone and sing “One of these things is not like the others…”.
I used to babysit her children when they were young and even attended her Catholic Church to see a rapping priest (rapping as in priest acting like a gangsta, not…uh…yeah). Last year she discovered her husband was soliciting prostitutes and she filed for divorce. What a lovely man. GAG. We eat lunch together everyday and make immature sexual jokes.
Part of the financial department and guru of debits and credits, we’ve known each other forever and are practically family. Usually completely in the dark about double entendres, I spend most of my time explaining basic sexual knowledge to her. Like what a reach around is…or a safe word…or golden showers. I miss the days before she remarried and we used to go out drinking all night with Chika. It’s much easier to talk about golden showers when you’re fucked up drunk…
A hilarious coworker, we were interns together for a few years. Full of laughter and pranks, he spent most of his time thinking of ways to torture Courtney (we all suspect he’s secretly in love with her). While I’ve clomped on steadily in my department (which means I haven’t really risen at all), he skyrocketed to middle management and then left the company. Less than six months later he asked to come back and they made a new title for him. He’s re-starting at Anonymous Software Company in May…things should get interesting when he returns…
Mystic’s replacement, Smokin’ and I went to preschool together (stuck together from birth to death – only in Hometown…) and both escaped this dreadful place for college, only to boomerang back due to lack of jobs. Poww moved to the desk next to hers and now spends all of his time pranking her (I think I’ve been replaced! Time to join the first <work> wives club) but despite stealing my work husband, we’re good friends and she keeps me sane. On particularly bad days we head to Starbucks or out to grab a Geocache on our breaks while we gossip about our coworkers and compare dating tragedies.
Yelena & Arch
Yelena is my boss’ arch-nemesis and one of the most influential people in my department. She has decided that my boss and coworkers’ job descriptions should report to her and always seems to interrupt our work to try to control us. For a micro manager like Ching, this is the ultimate insult. Arch is Yelena’s favorite underling and she constantly pushes him to learn my job functions so he can replace me (all while smiling to my face; what a viper!). This is all complicated by the fact that Arch and I went to high school together (“Remember that time at the basketball game?” “What a laugh. Oh, remember that time you tried to steal my job?” “SO FUNNY!” See why I hate Hometown?).
A former employee  who alienated the whole department and made us question how he still had a job, I gave a presentation in college about the ethics of the way my coworkers treated him. I constantly had to remind myself of that presentation while around him, otherwise I’d want to bitch about him too…
The highest executive in my department, he makes it difficult not to program HR on my speed dial. He makes racist comments, often jokes about various  employees in insulting ways and in general makes Michael Scott (from The Office) look like a considerate and polite individual. We all suck up to him though – there aren’t may job prospects out there!
A walking disaster for anyone who has to work on a project with him, Jim seems to revel in creating chaos and disorder by providing bad information, supplying incorrect data and demanding that you somehow use his work to build your reports or projects and you need to have it finished yesterday. Half the time I’m thankful that I don’t have something sharp and rusty to stab him with, since I wouldn’t do well in jail. I’m too pretty and not nearly (physically) strong enough to be a head bitch. Oh and I don’t like the outfits, orange isn’t my color.
TweedleSweet & TweedleFun
Besties who I absolutely adore, TweedleSweet is so sweet that she makes Cadbury Eggs look bitter. She literally oozes happiness and cheer (yeah, I sometimes wonder why she’s my friend too). TweedleFun is the more daring of the two, unfortunately she was let go (a politically correct way of saying fired) last year.
A former coworker and friend, we’ve had a rocky relationship at times. Intensely religious as opposed to my atheism, we’ve clashed over what’s appropriate at times, but she’s a solid friend at the worst of times and it’s easier to forgive when someone lives 2,000 miles away. I miss when we would hang out in pajamas and watch foreign films while munching on Mexican food and drinking bad beer.

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