We’ve been following Evelyn’s journey during messy break ups and some really strange behavior, but now we’ve hit the motherload.

Let’s recap her past few years, shall we?

First, she was denied entry into colleges in California due to low GPA, so she decided to go to the midwest to follow her career path…of opening a bakery…with a Classical History degree. Since she was moving she decided to lose her virginity to some random dude while we were drunk and then she fell for him all while telling him the she only wanted to be fuck buddies. After breaking her heart over this worthless piece of crap, she rebounded with a marine preparing to ship off to Afganistan who joked about killing Evelyn and some friends (including me) then licked the inside of his ‘best friend’s’ mouth and put a picture of it on Facebook. Eventually, they broke up – although not soon enough to salvage what was left of her pride. A few weeks after Evelyn posted a status about the marine dating someone new, she was suddenly in a new relationship…and they got a phone plan together! And an apartment!

And now, less than six months after they first met, he proposed.

Yep, you read that correctly.

Over the months she’s lived with him, she’s contacted me less and less frequently. It feels like I’m throwing notes to her across the 1,600 mile distance and I never know if she receives them and just doesn’t want to talk to me or if she doesn’t get them at all. I suspect it’s the former. I know she’s alive because I have a daily stream of notifications about her Farmville on my Facebook.

98 other items in a 1 month period and she can't take 25 seconds to fucking text me?

98 other items in a 1 month period and she can’t take 25 seconds to fucking text me?

She did pause in helping local Farmville villages long enough to ask me to be a bridesmaid and inform me that the wedding colors would be apple green for the ladies (this dress will go really badly with my skin tone) and teal for the men.

Aside from that I’ve heard more new life events from Charles Dickens…if you don’t count how many prized longhorn cows she’s raised as “life events”.

I’m pretty sure it makes me a bitch and a bad friend, but I question if they’ll make it to the wedding…