She was cute, I’ll give her that. Honey blonde curls, dimples, chocolate brown eyes and a winning smile. All of five years old she looked sweet, harmless. Like a baby kitten before you find out it has rabies.

She and her older sister were my babysitting duties for the day, while their parents went out to a wine tasting. I’d taken care of them before and they were surprisingly well behaved children. Everything started out fine, I made them lunch and they watched a movie. We headed to the backyard, where their large and aggressive dog growled at me until I escaped by climbing onto their giant trampoline.

This trampoline was AWESOME. They had a tree nearby so they had installed a high swing only accesible from the trampoline. Next to it was a pool, so you could literally swing into the deep end of the pool or jump from the trampoline into the water.

OlderSister spent her time jumping up and down while DemonChild was swinging. OlderSister asked DemonChild for a turn on the swing and DemonChild whined that she had just started swinging.

“Five more minutes, then it’s OlderSister’s turn.” I announced and went back to my jumping.

After five minutes, you guessed it, DemonChild didn’t want to get off of the swing. OlderSister didn’t do anything like my siblings – who would have shoved her off of the swing or prevented the swing from moving. Instead she just stood there, slightly to the side of the swing’s path, waiting patiently while DemonChild swung higher and higher.

Shit, I thought to myself, now I have to intervene.

“DemonChild, it’s been five minutes. Time to get off of the swing. You can have a turn after OlderSister.” I said in a firm voice.

It seemed like slow motion – I saw what was about to happen and couldn’t have stopped it if I tried. DemonChild’s face hardened and then an evil grin spread across her cherubic features. She swung back one last time, very high, and then twisted on the way back so that her foot fully connected with her sister’s face. OlderSister let out a scream as she fell backwards onto the trampoline and bounced directly into the water. She came sputtering up, blood gushing from her nose and swam for the edge.

This was the sinister smile on her face before she karate chopped her sister into the pool. Yes, a five year old girl resembled an insane middle aged man…

Freaking out, I crawled off of the trampoline and helped her out of the water. She ran sobbing into the house and I ran after her. She wouldn’t let me into the bathroom and in my haze of anger I ran back outside, determined to punish that little shit, DemonChild. After yelling at her to get off the trampoline and go sit in the time out corner in the house, she lazily crawled down and then turned to the dog and uttered only one sentence.

“<Dog>, intruder.” This was a trained guard dog. He didn’t attack me or try to bite, but if I tried to move he would lunge and snap his jaw at me. I was fucking trapped, while DemonChild ran inside.

After what felt like a year but was probably only 15 minutes, I’d calmly talked to the dog enough until he relaxed. I’d been a fairly regular babysitter for this family before, so the dog knew me. Eventually I was able to make slow, careful movements toward the house. When I got to the back door I found it…locked. I ran around to the front and found it the same way. That little shit locked me out!

After banging on the door incessantly and trying to get OlderSister’s attention through the bathroom window without success, I realized one window was wide open with no screen. I just had to shimmy my fat ass through it.

I took off my sandals and threw them into the window, which was a few inches above my shoulders. I carefully rolled a wagon to help me gain some height before I started to laboriously pull myself up through the window. The dog reappeared and started barking and growling – lucky for me he didn’t try to take a chunk out of me. When I was almost halfway in, DemonChild came into the room and saw what was going on. She grabbed my sandals and ran.

Here’s where I have to explain – I have a phobia. By definition, a phobia is IRRATIONAL (an extreme or irrational fear or aversion). I don’t expect you to understand, but I have a phobia of slugs and snails. It’s a long story I’ll type up one day, but suffice to say I freak out when they are near me and talking about them literally brings me to the point of tears. I had mentioned my dislike of them to the kids before, randomly. I guess DemonChild remembered because when I finally got inside of the house I found snails crawling all over my shoes in the living room. After hyperventilating a bit I realized that while DemonChild had locked herself in the bedroom, OlderSister was missing.

My greatest enemy…

I ran into the front yard and could see her bike was gone – she had ridden away. Basically I was failing this babysitting job. Eventually she came back, I gave her ice for her nose and she picked snails off of my shoes for me. All while DemonChild screamed in the bedroom.

When their parents finally came home, OlderSister and I told them what happened and they said they would take care of it. I refused to ever babysit for them again when I found out her punishment was doing the dishes for a week. That’s it. Fuck that family!

I vowed (again) never to work with children. Turns out my vow was hollow….again