Since Studly and I became an exclusive item, I’ve slipped. Lost my focus. Given in to temptation. That’s right people – we don’t always use a back up birth control method.

I know, shame on me. SHAME. I’ve been on various birth control pills for over five years with a break where I didn’t have insurance and wasn’t sleeping with anyone, so I didn’t stop by Planned Parenthood. I take my pill dutifully every single day and can count on one hand the number of times I’ve missed a pill or forgotten unitl too late in the day to take it.

When we first got together I wouldn’t let Studly get within five feet of me naked without wrapping up first. But after agreeing to exclusivity, taking STD tests and one very good drunken night I just sort of let things slide and it’s been downhill ever since then. It just feels so much better au natural, you know what I mean? I think Dr. Chase from House said it best when he made a sarcastic comment about two young people enjoying the “sexy feel of latex against their genitals”.

This left not only the responsibility for taking birth control on me, it also forced me to be the only one paying for birth control. I pay about $15 a month for my pills, which adds up to $180 a year. Plus the yearly visit to my doctor for a renewed prescription with a copay of $25 and I’m contributing over $200 a year, not including what my health insurance costs me.

But what about the side expenses? The gasoline/wear and tear driving to and from my doctor and the pharmacy. The additional 30 pounds of chocolate I inhale per year. And the emotional expenses too! When I’m on the Pill I end up crying like a newborn for a week out of the month. I found out during my break from birth control two years ago that I don’t have that reaction when I’m not on artificial estrogen. I also have a tendency to gain weight. I don’t care what some people say, it does take a physical toll on some women because it’s an unnatural level of a chemical in the body.

And guess who was taking Norestrin when the recall occured? That’s right. ME. I had a lot number that was recalled and I dutifully turned in my half used pack to my pharmacy. When I got the call my ovaries shriveled in fear and if my lady parts weren’t already on the inside they would have retreated into my body. At that point it was too late for Plan B and when I asked the pharmacy if they were providing free pregnancy tests they said no. Talk about crappy customer service! The least they could do was provide me with a way to find out if I have a tiny person inside of me – Zoogie3. TERRIFYING THOUGHT. It turns out I was not and AM not pregnant. Don’t worry guys, the anti-christ isn’t going to be born yet!

Studly was on a business trip when all of this happened and we had  a long and serious talk about it. I told him that we need to use a back up method every time from now on. He nodded his head and brought condoms to my place when he got back. At first things were peachy – it didn’t feel as good but I felt much more secure knowing that there was a backup method protecting my eggs.

Within two weeks things we started slipping – soon he wasn’t even hesitating and looking at the nightstand drawer before going for the gold, if you know what I mean. I would put my foot down most of the time, but I have little motivation. I felt like it dragged us out of our passion and became an awkward moment. Sometimes we would have to rebuild the momentum or start over for me, which can be frustrating when I was so close before. I not only have the be the adult and say ‘even though we don’t like this, we have to do it‘ but there’s no immediate benefit to me. It doesn’t feel as nice and that’s what I care about about right then. I know in theory that I’ll appreciate it in the long run, but it’s hard to keep that in mind at that moment.

I’m an independent type of person, so for me to ask Studly to cover half of the costs of my pill…I’m already bristling at the thought. I’m an adult and can take care of myself! I’m usually straightforward, but I hesitate to start a conversation that will sound like I’m attacking or blaming him. I feel like all he will hear is “you don’t do this”, “you make me do all of the work” or “you are being irresponsible”, when I want him to hear “please help me” and “let’s be a team on this”. I just don’t know how to make him see that I need him to be responsible too, to not leave it to me to police our sexual encounters. <– sexual encounters? Damn, that sounds like something my health teacher would have said…

I know that if I got pregnant, he would be by my side the whole way. But I’m not ready to go there. Not ready at all! I understand why the onus of birth control is usually on women – we suffer the consequences much more acutely than men do. It makes me resentful that I’m stuck in this role while he lets me take responsibility for everything. It feels like such an unfair and unbalanced situation.