Remember when Evelyn was dating that asshole marine and he treated her like shit and I predicted it wouldn’t end well? Call me the Oracle of Delphi because I totally saw the breakup coming.

I think I have a good sense of humor, but there have been times that Studly says things that he thinks are funny and I take offense. I tell him it’s not funny to me and he either apologizes or agrees not to joke about the subject anymore and we move on. After hearing about some of Evelyn’s conversations with The Asshole, I was certain that she missed the day of school where they discussed self-respect.

Evelyn and Asshole were joking around about things they were better at than the other. He had some silly ones, like that he’s better at eating shellfish (she’s allergic). As he continued his list, he got meaner. Things like he was better looking than she was by miles. Or that he was funnier because none of her jokes were funny and no one ever laughs at them. That he was in better shape because she still hadn’t lost the 10 pounds she’d been working on their whole relationship.

Say what?

After asking him if he was joking or if really meant those things, he got angry and yelled at her saying she took everything so seriously. Then he made some jokes about how sluts always take things so seriously and they need to stay in their place.

I think Evelyn finally realized something was wrong when he implied she was a slut twice and she couldn’t justify why that was OK. After a third time (I can’t believe he got a chance to say it three times and survived), she asked him why he called her such terrible names and he said “If you don’t like it, you can leave.” Which is exactly what she did.

I give her one thumbs up for breaking up with him because he didn’t care that he was hurting her feelings. She missed out on the second thumbs up because rather than tell him that treating women like that is unacceptable or even just hanging up on him, she chose to give a monologue about how great he was.

No. Shit.

She told him that while things hadn’t worked out between the two of them, he was a really great guy who would make some girl really happy someday and she wished all of the best for him.

Fucker.

See, if you break up with someone because of distance or you aren’t at the same spot in life or you have vastly different religions or something that you just can’t overcome, feel free to pull out the You’re-great-it-just-wasn’t-right-for-us-I-know-you’ll-meet-someone-wonderful speech. If, on the other hand, someone is a total douche and treats you like shit and says terrible things to you, that’s not a time to pull out this speech. You should tell them why you are breaking up! So that if they ever grow a soul, they can look back on that moment and think to themselves maybe I shouldn’t have treated her like that.

Fail.

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