About six months ago I went to my dentist for a regular cleaning. While sitting in the chair, I somehow mouthed around the utensils that I wanted my teeth checked for cavities.

Hygienist: Have you had pain?

Zoogie2: No

Hygenist: Any sort of tenderness or swelling?

Zoogie2: No

Hygienist: Um, have you increased the amount of sugar you’re consuming?

Zoogie2: No

Here’s the thing – I’ve only ever had one cavity before. When I was 13 something didn’t feel right; my mouth didn’t hurt but it didn’t feel the same. I asked my dentist at that time to check and they found a cavity. Since it was so little they were able to use sand to get rid of it. Seriously, they sprayed sand at my tooth until it disintegrated the cavity. Didn’t even hurt; that’s what I call early detection!

So I related this story to the hygienist and said my mouth didn’t hurt at all, I just had a gut feeling and it would make me feel better to have the dentist check. She told me that I would need a whole separate appointment, x-rays…the whole shebang. Since my FlexSpending money was low and things were hectic at work, my hygienist recommended scheduling it right before my next cleaning appointment.

I think we all know what a pig-headed, stubborn bitch I can be sometimes; but I easily acceded to her recommendation against my gut instinct. Why? Because I was high. I’m terribly frightened of the dentist – I had one that used to accidentally scrape my gums bloody as a child, so I tense up just thinking about getting my teeth cleaned. I love this dentist because they give me some Valium before my appointment and it’s easier on everyone – I lay there in a soft haze and they can do their jobs without me flinching and threatening to bite everyone. So I was high on Valium, which makes it so I don’t want to cause waves. I’m not me when I’m on drugs!

Long story short – I went back to the dentist six months later and they clucked and said I had a cavity, if only we had caught it sooner. That will teach me to ignore my gut feeling! A few days later they gave me a prescription for some strong relaxants to do the filling, not because of pain but because of my fear. My dentist refused to do my wisdom teeth surgery because I’d be awake and he was worried I would panic. So I went under for the surgery with an oral surgeon.

I remember taking the pills…but everything after that is fuzzy. I can’t remember them drilling or even what side the cavity was on. Everything felt hazy and almost like I was did a Jagerbomb of codeine into a vat of vodka while smoking weed and doing lines of Vicodin. In other words, I was Fucked Up. I got a ride home where I tried to do some work, but after falling asleep in an online meeting and snoring during the discussion my boss recommended that I take the rest of the day off.

So I took a small nap then woke up and made a sexy video for my boyfriend. PAUSE. Yep, that really happened, and I’m the woman who tells other people they’re idiots for doing that! Then I decided it would be a fabulous idea to go on a walk around my neighborhood and I sat on a bench in a nearby park for a while before wandering home. I woke up a few hours later to a call from Studly thanking me for the awesome video, would there be more like it? Uhhhh what video?

I watched the video, I look high and trashy and I got my arm stuck in my shirt. Keeping it classy over here!

Conclusion – I’m not sure whether I want to buy more of this stuff from the sketchy guy on the street corner or avoid it for the rest of my life.