The irony of this post will become clear very soon. I told Studly about this blog when we first started dating; I also told him he wasn’t going to read it because I didn’t feel comfortable with that. At the time, he said it was fine and we moved on.

Then I decided to blog again. Turns out that blogging makes me smile – I get to bitch about stuff in an occasionally funny way and I feel like I can reflect on what’s going on. So it’s like a diary for me.

I wanted to make sure Studly was on board with my blogging so I brought it up, expecting him to say it was OK with him. Um no. He said that he “supported my decision” to blog (WTF?) but that he was worried about it since I won’t let him read the blog. He thought it would come between us. He couldn’t really give me any more information than that but he was pretty upset.

I thought he was concerned about not knowing what it was about due to my ban on reading, so I tried to gently explain that this thing has had a lot of TMI moments, moments that happened but that I don’t necessarily want him to read about. I know he lived with his last girlfriend but that doesn’t mean I want to be confronted by pics of hickeys she gave him. If he read my blog, he’d see that and me drooling over Evelyn’s 15 Irish neighbors, or how about the time BBG revealed his r@pe fantasies. No, I don’t want my boyfriend reading ANY of that.

I’m a horrifically honest person – if I’m upset I won’t be passive aggressive or shit like that. I’ll quietly go think it out, maybe write how I feel, then I go and tell you to your face. If you ask for forgiveness I actually think about it, I want to be sure that my feelings match what I’m saying. Most people lie and say “OK” and then hold a grudge secretly. That’s not my style. So when Studly asked if I would blog about feelings I wasn’t sharing with him, I almost laughed in his face. I reassured him, but he didn’t seem convinced.

I asked him if he was worried about anonymity, because I don’t reveal any information about myself or anyone else I talk about. He said that wasn’t it but when I asked him to specify, he just said he had already stated his feelings. Clearly not in a way I understood though!

I’m not sure exactly what he thinks will hurt our relationship and it’s driving me crazy. Although he’s given his permission for me to blog, he said it in a way that meant he doesn’t really want me to. You have to picture this.

Zoogie2: Do you mind if I blog?

Studly, crossing his arms, shifting his eyes away from mine to the floor and pressing his lips together tightly. He gives a long pause and reluctantly says: If it makes you happy, I guess so.

Do you see why I’m hesitant to blog again? So here’s the irony: I’m writing a blog post to weigh whether I should keep blogging. Let it sink in…

Now I’m torn. Do I trust that Studly won’t get upset and keep blogging or shut this down for my relationship?