Regardless of the fact that they call it a “company picnic”, it was work for me since I’m on the Social Committee. After faithfully attending every single meeting, I was not looking forward to this picnic. PowerBuilder (a really nice bodybuilder type who works in the warehouse) was the only other member of our 10 person committee who made it to every meeting. Even the head of the committee, Speedy, missed a few!

So imagine my disgust when Speedy sent an email to the committee letting us know that we were expected bright and early at 9am on Saturday to help set up for the party. Seriously? The picnic doesn’t even start until 12! I flat out refused – I’m not being paid to be here, I already did a large portion of the work while others did nothing and I’m one of two people who attended every meeting. I want to fucking sleeping in and others can finally pull their own weight. I may have said it nicer than that, but was told that my attendance was ‘compulsory’. My ass!

So I told them I was out of town the Friday evening for family business and I wasn’t sure when I would get in on Saturday. That did the trick! I showed up at noon with all the other employees to the picnic (held on Anonymous Software Company’s back lawn). We had copious amount of alcohol and lots of games for the kids, so everyone seemed to be having an excellent time. I got my caricature drawn and the food was delicious. Then came the first round of prizes. It was my job to collect them from the departments this year, so I knew we had some sweet stuff. Typical things like restaurant and store gift cards and a few home items (utensil sets, BBQ accessories), but also some iPods, a tablet (not an iPad though), and our top gift: two round trip tickets to anywhere in the continental US.

The first round were all of the small things, which went over well. Then we put up the first piñata. We arranged the kids in order of height and got through about 8 kids (out of 57!) before a freakishly strong 5 year old took it out. We strung up the second and instituted a 3 hit maximum. I was in charge of keeping kids in line and choosing the next tallest kid to hit the damn thing and they were all yelling at me. I guess there was some concern that the older kids wouldn’t get to hit the piñata at all. It’s not my fault these kids chug milk and have been bitten by radioactive spiders or something!

I had to remove the bat from the kids and lots of them kept trying to hit it after their 3 strikes. I almost got clobbered a few times. PowerBuilder was raising and lowering the pinata and straining against it. Maybe we overstuffed poor Dora the Explorer. He kept telling the kids to stop while holding Dora out of their reach and giving me worried glances while I darted in and snatched the bat from a crying child. Fun!

After only 7 more kids, this piñata cracked open too! Now I was getting really worried. We’d gone through 15 kids and 2 piñatas, we only had 1 piñata left. We had 57 kids and about 12 drunk adults in line. Oh fuck berries! Our last piñata was Harry Potter. We tried, and I mean really tried to keep the kids in check. I guess most of these kids must be baseball players (and quite possibly be using illegal steriods!). At the 24th kid, Harry came crashing down. He actually hadn’t broken open, we’d overstuffed the damn thing and the hook hadn’t been able to hold the weight. So PowerBuilder ripped open Harry’s chest in a very manly move and the kids went wild. I thought for a moment there that I would be crushed by a bunch of munchkins. Can you picture my obituary? Or better yet, how my death would be reported?

Local Party Goes From Sweet to Sour

Tragedy strikes Anonymous Software Company when an employee was crushed by rabid children during piñata play. Candy ruled inedible due to copious blood contamination. Children revolt as total anarchy decends upon the scene.

After that PowerBuilder and I descended upon the bar and had a few tequila sunrises and some beers. I think he was suffering from PTSD at that point – he kept saying “I’m so glad I don’t have kids, did you see them? Damn piranhas!” over and over. I just nodded and ordered another Corona. Meanwhile there were crying kids everywhere – they didn’t get enough candy or a chance to hit the piñata. Life’s tough, get a helmet!

After announcing the second round of prizes which included the coveted expensive prizes (I didn’t win…), there was a mass exodus to leave the picnic. PowerBuilder and I sat down to eat our ice cream (we missed the ice cream bar while we were announcing the prize winners) and gave a sad look around. Time to clean up! After we had finished, we both dragged ourselves to our cars and fist bumped. Long day. Many screaming kids. The ice cream was delicious.