Usually being considered “one of the girls” if you’re a straight male is a bad thing, but when you have a wife that completely controls your balls I guess it doesn’t make much of a difference. Gaston is a loveable character around Anonymous Software Company and yesterday was his birthday party. We all drove to his favorite brewery and started knocking back drinks like we’d been wandering through the desert for the past week and this was our first taste of liquid.

As we proceeded to grow drunker and drunker, we made a few discoveries. First of all, a strip club is opening up near the brewery next week for one night only and tickets are only $30 each. It’s a male strip club and since I haven’t been to one in a year I insisted that we all pony up the money and get over there. Somehow we got Gaston to agree to go, I think it was that fourth beer that convinced him. This led to us talking about taking a vacation together, a Ladies Vacation because Gaston is such a P.I.M.P. that he had his birthday party with only women in attendance (what a stud). At first everyone wanted to go to Mardi Gras because the IPA I was drinking loosened my lips as to what occurred (that I could remember) while I was in the Big Easy. But I dissuaded them.

“I’ve already been there,” I slurred, shaking my head mournfully. “We should go somewhere none of us has been. Like New York FLEET WEEK!!!” I may have screeched that last part. Fleet week is a “tradition in which active military ships recently deployed in overseas operations dock in a variety of major cities for one week. Once the ships dock, the crews can enter the city…”. Basically, everyone parties with hott soldiers; what more can you ask out of a vacation!?

Around that time, I went to get Gaston one last “drink”. I actually got him a beer sampler with six different types of beers. We all helped him by trying out each flavor and after he finished two and then almost fell off of his stool, we ladies chipped in and chugged the rest. It turns out Gaston is a lightweight!

The bar closed, so we walked over to TweedleSweet’s house and started eating pizza and trying to sober up. We were there for all of five minutes when Gaston’s wife called. We had invited her to the bar, but apparently she wasn’t feeling well and wanted him to cut his birthday short. At first he tried to convince her that he was drunk and shouldn’t drive but then she twisted his balls through the phone until I could hear his possible future children strangle to death. He ended up driving home, probably legally intoxicated and against our advice because his wife has self esteem and trust issues.

If I ever act like that, I hope someone smacks me upside the head and tells me what a bitch I’m being.