Saturday night I headed over to Evelyn’s for dinner and scary movie night. She updated me about Fernando, who she was supposed to see on Friday but he cancelled. Before we popped in our movie, we settled down with Spaghetti Bolognese and she pulled her laptop out.

“Dude, you have to see what Fernando looks like.”

“I did, remember? You showed me his profile on the dating site.”

“No, his Facebook.”

“You guys are FB friends? After one date? Man, I’ve gone out with Twitch like 7 times and we aren’t FB friends yet.”

“No we aren’t friends, I Googled him.” Then we had a long discussion about whether you should Google someone you’re seeing. I’m on the fence, since you never know if you’re reading about the right person. I mean, my name isn’t too common in America, but in Latin America it’s freaking everywhere. So how do you know you’ve found the right Zoogie2? Plus, reading about things in the wrong context can leave you with a negative impression that the person might not deserve.

Evelyn thinks that knowledge is power and that they’re probably Googling us too. Un-freaking-likely. HOTTT can’t even text me back, I doubt he Googled me. Plus Evelyn’s real name is shockingly common. There’s virtually no way to find her. She Googled Fernando and we looked through a few pics. Then she turned to me.

“What’s HOTTT’s last name again?”

“No.”

“X-X-X-X…X? or X-X-X-X-Y?” I shook my head, pressing my lips together firmly. “Fine, I’ll try them both.” Unfortunately she chose the correct letter the first time and it was clearly him. She scrolled through a few things about him, including his Etsy profile and an old Myspace account. Then she found a video.

“Uhhhh. I don’t know dude, how do you know that’s the right ‘HOTTT’?”

“We’ll never know unless we watch it.” She said, clicking on the link. The blurb at the top said that it was improvised with the loose plot of two friends who try to remember what they did while drinking the night before. As soon as the video came on, I knew it was the right HOTTT. Evelyn gave me a pointed glance and then waved in his general direction. “Looks just like the pic you showed me.” I refused to respond.

We watched as the two guys tried to hide their laughter as they came up with jokes on the spot and talked about what they did the night before. The camera panned out with that fuzzy, ripple effect that makes you think they must be remembering. It showed the first guy dressing up in women’s clothing and putting on makeup. Then he did a really awkward strip dance and pretended to pass out. The scene returned to the two friends reminiscing and then it was HOTTT’s turn to remember. I was unprepared for what came next.

It jumped right to a kitchen shot of HOTTT humping a large piece of fruit with his pants down. 30 full seconds of fruit molestation later, it jumped back to the two guys as they wrapped up the scene with promises of no more crazy nights. Then they both threw back a shot and glanced at each other, grinning. There was a terrible silence between Evelyn and me. We turned to each other simultaneously and burst out into laughter until tears streamed down our faces.

“Holy hell in a hand basket! You totally let guy all up on you. He screwed a piece of fruit!”

“We don’t know if he actually did it! Maybe it just looked like it based on the camera angle.” I gasped out between giggles.

“It’s just like American Pie! But with fruit!” After a few more minutes of laughter in between bites of dinner, Evelyn closed out the video and sat, staring at her Google page.

“Ok, let’s watch the movie.” I said, pushing my plate aside.

“One last thing.” She logged onto Spokeo and started typing HOTTT’s name. I have been meaning to go onto this site and remove myself, but never got around to it. When she found the right HOTTT, we glanced at the information.

“Some things will be wrong because he lives at his brother’s place.” I murmured. By the way, Spokeo? Scariest website ever. We found a lot about HOTTT, including a Google street view pic. You could even see the license plate number on his car in the driveway.

“Oh my god.” I muttered, glancing at his house.

“What?”

“Look at the address. Look at the house!”

“Holy shit.”

Evelyn and I like to take walks together and look at houses in various neighborhoods. We discuss what aspects we like and what we don’t. A few weeks before I met HOTTT, we had walked around her parent’s neighborhood and stopped by one little blue house. Evelyn had liked the sweeping roof and I had made a comment about the mailbox. Low and behold, there was that house.

“What are the fucking chances?”

“In this town? Pretty good. Think about it, it’s not like we’re in a metropolitan city.” I said, shrugging.

“But we totally stopped in front of that house. How many places did we walk by without commenting?” I shrugged again. Coincidence. “I knew he looked familiar! I bet I’ve seen him when I drive to Mom’s house!” She let it go and started typing another name. After checking out Fernando, Evelyn looked me up.

It didn’t have my correct information, since I never updated my address at the DMV (I’m super lazy). But it had a street view of my mom’s place and it really creeped me out how much they knew about me. We put in a request for my information to be removed from the site. Evelyn changed her name a few years ago, legally. Spokeo only had her old information so she decided not to remove it. As she put it, it wasn’t that important to her. If you haven’t gone to the site and taken yourself off of it, you should. Immediately!

We finally turned the movie on and got scared witless. Two women in a dark house watching horror movies? Hell. Just when the ghost appeared in the mirror right behind the main character, there was a loud crash in the house. In our house. I screamed (a completely legitimate response) and Evelyn yanked me onto her lap and hid her face in my hair. We fumbled with the lights and we called the dog over to us.

“It’s probably nothing.” Evelyn said.

“Fuck that! We can’t make fun of the characters in scary movies and then act like them. We stick together. We have a game plan – if there’s someone in the house we tell the dog to attack and we run like the fucking wind straight outside, screaming.”

Evelyn pulled out her cell and dialed 911. “I’ll go first, since I’m stronger. Someone grabs me, you hit “call” and get the cops here immediately. Run. The dog has been trained to attack.”

We walked around the house, convinced there was someone in there with us. After circling around all of the rooms, we had to admit defeat. “Maybe it was just raccoons outside or something.” I said, lowering the bat I had found.

“Fuck that. Do you really want to start watching that movie again without knowing what made that noise and if it’s still here?” I shook my head and we circled again, discussing what direction we had heard the sound come from. Eventually we opened a closet to find that there had been a small avalanche causing the crash. We cleaned it up and settled back on the couch. I kept the bat with me….just in case.

Maybe we shouldn’t watch scary movies alone anymore…

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