I’m not even going to try with this post. I’m hung over and not afraid to admit it. Then I saw an email in my inbox and decided to be snarky. Muahahaha *evil laughter*. I received this the day before Harry Potter 7 premiered, I just didn’t have time to post until now. Sorry for the delay.

TO: Zoogie2

FROM: Mary

Hi,

We at <website> recently came across your blog and were excited to share with you an article “10 Things Your Boyfriend Needs to Hear You Say” was recently published on our blog and we hoped that you would be interested in featuring or mentioning it in one of your posts.

It has been a sincere pleasure to read your great content.

Sincerely,

Mary

Ohhhh, I thought angrily while my stomach churned and my head ached, I’m going to have fun with this one.

TO: Mary

FROM: Zoogie2

Dear Mary,

Thanks for checking out my blog, I’m always excited to have a new reader! That having been said — did you actually read my blog?

I took a look at your website and was momentarily confused. You see, my blog is about how I can’t get a boyfriend. In order to “keep” one, you usually have to have one lying around. Unfortunately, I seem incapable of getting them to hold still while I tie them up. I think it’s fair to say they’d be more accommodating if they were unconscious during that part. I’ve considered chloroform, but I don’t want to come across as too needy, you know? Maybe it’s the handcuffs, I use standard police issue cuffs and they probably chafe after a few days – I should invest in a more comfortable pair.

I read through some of your articles and one in particular caught my eye. Naturally when I saw the title “10 Effective Ways To Tease Your Girlfriend” I hastily clicked on the link. I’m always interested in finding more erogenous zones for my non-boyfriends to explore. I have a great story about whisker burn and how it can really curl your toes. It’s probably the only kind of burn I’m sexually interested in. Probably. Unfortunately, the article was about jokingly teasing, which was a huge letdown.

See if my potential boyfriend did some of these (how would he text while perpetually tied up?) I’d have to cut off sex, which is a punishment for me too. Or kill him. And I just wouldn’t do well in jail, you know? I’d be lost without the ability to flat iron my hair and I’m not really interested in being someone’s “bitch”. It’s just not the lifestyle for me. If I ever catch me one of them “boyfriend” things, I’ll be sure to point out what a terrible idea it would be for him to ‘tease’ me that way. I’d be extremely tempted to take a hammer to his legs, Kathy Bates style. Not that this is a confession and/or a premeditated assault. At least, that’s what I’ll claim to the jury.

On a more serious note, the “Wrong Size” idea is probably the worst thing a man can do to a woman who has an eating disorder. Mine is so bad that I’m unable to weigh myself without slipping back into a void of self-hatred and small voices proclaiming all of the things I wish were different about me. Some people have ‘Nam flashbacks, I have NOM flashbacks. It’s all relative, I suppose.

Hope your day is filled with licorice, baby ducks and Voldemort!

ZOOGIE2

 

And that what happens when I’m hung over. I’m going to go find that little bottle of emergency rum I keep in my car – hair of the dog will totally solve all of my problems.

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