I wish I could write a weekend review based on my own memory, but most of my memory was lost to rum.

FRIDAY

I had a low key, fun evening with my friend, Spence. He came over and we had a few drinks, so he decided to stay the night. Not like that! He’s gay. The important moment of the evening was when I opened a drawer to give him a pair of PJ pants to wear and he started riffling through my things.

“Where’s the cute lingerie?”

“I’m single, remember? I threw most of it out after my last breakup. Everything reminded me of Jarhead.”

“What a fucking waste. Honey, you’re single, not dead. Buy something cute! It’ll make you feel better about yourself!” Maybe Spence has a point, I thought to myself. I texted Evelyn and asked if she wanted to go shopping the next day. We agreed that I would pick her up in the morning. Maybe something cute and sexy is just what I need…

SATURDAY

I showed up at Evelyn’s place and walked right in, stopping dead in my tracks in confusion. There were half naked men everywhere. Sleeping on the floor, the couches…one stumbled by me out the door. What the hell? In a nutshell, Evelyn had finally introduced herself to the Irish boys next door. And there weren’t 8 of them, there were 15 Irish foreign exchange students living in the three bedroom house next door. After kicking everyone out and heading to a nearby town with a better shopping selection than Hometown, Evelyn updated me on the evening including almost having sex with one of the Irish boys. He had too much to drink and couldn’t get it up. Hmmmmm. I told her it was probably a good thing, since based on what we’ve seen this summer all of them are probably riddled with STDs. I wouldn’t be surprised if at least one of them was Patient 0 with a brand new strain of STD never seen before. ‘Revolving door of women‘ doesn’t do them justice.

She laughed and agreed, but bought a brand new bra and panty set, just in case. She invited me to their party tonight, since they’re all going back to Ireland this week. It’s a going away party. I agreed and Evelyn and I made ourselves cute. Evelyn’s coworker and her gay bestie were coming too, they’d all hung out with the boys the night before. In our rush to get ready, Evelyn and I forgot to eat dinner, this was a major mistake. Evelyn and I choked down a piece of bread each right before the first shot. A number of shots later (somewhere in the ballpark of 3 shots in 10 minutes), we headed next door. Another two shots and a game of beer pong (Gay Bestie and I won!), I was feeling pretty good. Evelyn was not.

That Irish boy that had been all over her the night before? Suddenly all up on this other girl, an Irish girl. The guy didn’t even say hi to Evelyn. Suddenly, everyone was rushing out the front door and heading into cabs that had magically appeared.

“Where are we going?” Coworker asked. One of the Irish boys explained that they wanted to spend their party in the college part of Hometown. This area is well known as the local party spot, I personally hate it because everyone is drunk and fights usually break out. We shrugged and jumped into a cab. Once we got there, everything went downhill. I had brought a large handle of rum and was drunk at this point. I remember getting worried that I would be arrested carrying an open bottle of Captain Morgan around, so I started making people drink it (no chasers, no mix) and I remember taking large chugs directly from the bottle. Gay Bestie helped me. A lot. At one point after the bottle was finished I made everyone wait for me while I ran inside a random house and peed. When I went back outside, we’d lost the Irish boys and Evelyn. She was missing for about 45 minutes – apparently she was drunk and lost, and called a guy she was seeing who then had sex with her before bringing her back to us. Um, OK.

While Coworker went looking for Evelyn, she left me to wait with Gay Bestie who had passed out in a chair left by a dumpster. People kept coming up to take pics of him and my feet were hurting in my heels so I sat on his lap. Technically, I was shielding him from the cameras. It was a bonus that it got me off of my feet – no way was I sitting on the gross ground by the dumpster. When Coworker came back, sans Evelyn, she called a cab for Gay Bestie and right as it pulled up he projectile vomited everywhere. After a few minutes, the cab driver opened the door and said, “Hmm looks like he’s done. If he pukes in the car it’s $150.” We found out later that he did puke in the car. Sucks to be him.

Meanwhile, Coworker was dragging me all over the place looking for Evelyn. I don’t have too many memories of this. Eventually, we borrowed a phone and called her and she finally answered. We agreed to meet at a nearby 24 hour diner and Coworker flagged down some random men in a sports car to drive us there. After drunkenly promising to make out with them next time I saw them, Coworker dragged me out of the car and we found Evelyn. Since we were at the restaurant and I hadn’t eaten since 11am, I ordered some nachos to go and started chowing down. Evelyn took one look at my food, ran outside and started throwing up. We took a cab home, leaving the Irish boys behind.

I kept eating in the cab and when we reached the house Evelyn threw my nachos all over the Irish boy’s driveway. She later said it was part anger than I made her throw up (that was the alcohol, not me and my nachos!) and part anger at the Irish boy who scorned her. We helped Evelyn inside and she passed out on the couch, but Gay Bestie was missing. We searched the house and Coworker ran over to the Irish boy’s house when some of them started coming home. Meanwhile, I passed out in Evelyn’s bed. They searched the Irish boy’s house and found of of the bathroom doors locked, they tried calling for Gay Bestie to open the door but got no response. They kicked down the door and found Gay Bestie lying on the floor, covered in his own puke. It was so bad that just to get near him they had to wade through it. Gross!

Two of the Irish boys carried Gay Bestie back to Evelyn’s and threw him into one of the beds. Coworker checked on me and said I was passed out with the dog snuggling next to me. She went out to the living room and slept on the other couch next to Evelyn. Coworker woke up about an hour later and saw a shadowy figure looming over Evelyn. One of the Irish boys had snuck in the back door and started trying to lay down next to her. They kicked him out and locked every door in the house.

15 hott Irish men next door and who did I sleep with? The fucking dog.

SUNDAY

I took Granny to a baseball game hung over and regretting my lack of dinner the night before. I was also a bit sad about the nachos. I forgot to put on sunscreen and now I have a really awful burn/farmer’s tan.

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