Oh my, this date was bad. Good thing I wasn’t on it! Oh, did you think this post was about me? Hell no, it’s about Evelyn. I mentioned in a recent post that she joined Plenty of Fish and found a cute guy who complimented the hell out of her and then sent her a pic of himself in a towel. I will admit, only to the 2 1/2 people reading this blog, that I was a little jealous. When we hung out Evelyn was getting texts from this guy every 2 seconds and giggling while I frowned over my Hawaiian Barbeque waiting to hear back from HOTTT and Twitch. Her first date with Towelie was last night, and it did not go well.

I’ve cleaned up her email because she forgot capitalization, punctuation and basic grammar in her anger. Not that I blame her. My comments in green.

OK so to start, he didn’t even tell me that I looked pretty when I first meet him, which is a huge no no. Evelyn went out shopping for two hours to buy the cutest outfit I have ever seen her in. If I could have stolen that top I would have, but it was skin tight and I didn’t want to accidentally rip it while dragging it off of her

Then we go to dinner and he is quiet the entire time and I basically had to drag information out of him. Then the bill comes and he ducks his hands under the table and just stares at me. So I go “It’s OK, I got this” and I pay for dinner. This is an ambiguous point for me. Evelyn is old school and thinks the man should pay for the first date. I’m a Dutch kind of girl, but common convention is that whoever asks the other out should pay. Evelyn asked Towelie out and he drove 45 minutes to meet her for dinner. I think she would have accepted paying a bit better if the night had been going well

Then we walk down to the pier and it’s more silence and pulling for info. So finally I am like fuck it; I stop asking him questions and interjecting information about myself. We get to my car and he is suddenly a chatty-kathy and I am like ooookkkkkaaaayyyy. So awkward silence for at least 15 minutes based on their location and the time it would take to walk and then he suddenly starts talking? Bad sign

Then he gives me the really intense eye contact. Like if-she-even-glances-at-me-I-will-rape-her-face-with-my-tongue. Man I wish Evelyn had a blog. Imagine all of the imagery!

I don’t make any eye contact and do the nervous giggle: aka “not interested” stance. To be fair, a giggle can be misinterpreted as flirty. Just sayin’

He says “Tell me about your ex.” Who the hell asks a girl about her ex on a first date? Unless he was hoping that Evelyn would get upset and need to be ‘comforted’. The last time I saw this girl really cry – as in more than one tear – was when we were eight. She isn’t emotional, she doesn’t share deep feelings easily and she certainly wouldn’t fall into some guy’s arms like that. Dumbass

I say “He is an asshole, and I am glad I am not with him anymore.” and he goes “Oh that’s cool, so can I have a hug?” and I go “ummm sure” and back pat him. Can I have a hug? Really? You have to ask? At this point it should either be natural or you just don’t go there

He bands his arms around my upper back, clearly to push my boobs into his chest, and sniffs my hair. Not a little sniff, but a full blown inhale/moan and asks “have you always had your hair short? because its feisty and I like it.” Oh sweet cookie monster. NO! I know I’ve made comments about wanting to jump HOTTT on the first date but I didn’t actually do that. You may think it, but you don’t go and do stuff like that. Not unless you want to be a pariah for the rest of your life

I cut into what he was saying to give my comments, so here’s the continued idiocy from Towelie: “My dealer has long hair in dreads, because he doesn’t shower.” 1: mentioning that you do drugs? Something that should happen up front and not as a comment. 2: Comparing a woman’s hair to a drug dealer who doesn’t shower? Bad idea. 3: Evelyn is a black & white person – for her the world is a simple place. There is good and bad, right and wrong and no gray areas. Drugs are bad. She’s pretty up front about her views and with her, there is no wiggle room. If she dates someone, they can never have ‘just a little bit of fun’ every so often, it’s the joint or her, and she’s not afraid to walk away if her guy disagrees with something like that. So to casually mention his drug use? Such a terrible idea

I went “oooookkkkkkaaaayyyyy, you have a lovely rest of your evening. Enjoy your drive home.” At least she was polite!

By the way, now you know why I’ve named him Towelie!

In conclusion, we think she should stick to the eight Irish foreign exchange students next door. How yummy!