The whole year I’ve lived at my place, I never got new neighbors. It was just Banker next door and Sweetie downstairs (who moved out a few months ago). We recently experienced a change in property management companies, so now all of the apartments are full. My new neighbors next to me are cool, other than the massive amount of weed they smoke, but I hate, Hate, HATE my new downstairs neighbor.

I mentioned that Syab wanted to move in downstairs – well shortly after I wrote this post I went home, opened my living room windows and was shocked to see items strewn about the small garden downstairs. It’s been empty since Sweetie moved out and when I’d closed the windows that morning there hadn’t been anything there. They moved in like Ninjas during the day.

What really concerned me were the toys. There were a number of children’s items around the yard – one was obviously an older child (skateboard, baseball bat and glove, boogie board) but one was clearly very young (small slide, blocks, etc). I stared down at the backyard for a while, completely confused. You see, every apartment in this building is a small one bedroom. I used to share a one bedroom with La Actress, but it was much bigger than this place. My full sized bed takes up most of the room in my bedroom and I can’t imagine fitting a family into a place my size. There are times I trip over Sam the Cat and threaten to evict her and she’s 10 pounds!

So I staked out a spot by my window while I watched some TV on DVD. Then I saw them, this four person family – Mom, Dad, and two boys. I had approximates ages right (8ish and 3ish), but being right didn’t make me happy for once. Because now I have a family living below me, and families are notorious for being annoying. They’re loud by nature but bitch whenever you’re loud too. They think everything their precious little brats do is adorable and can’t understand why you’re pissed when their little angels annoy the fuck out of you. I couldn’t decide which was worse, having my mom’s best friend downstairs to spy on me or having a family with young children.

I decided to give them the benefit of the doubt, maybe they’ll be quiet and kind? Who am I to throw the first stone? So I shrugged and smiled at them when I saw them and crossed my fingers. The second day they were there, I knew this was going to suck. I woke up at 7:00am on a Saturday to the sounds of that Fucking Annoying Child (the 3 year old), who I will now call FAC, whining in the backyard. I understand if you’re kid gets frustrated because his slide is wet from the dew, but why did you leave him crying in the yard for 20 minutes so early that the sun hasn’t even had a cup of coffee yet while you gabbed on the phone, occasionally screeching at said kid to shut the fuck up? If I wanted a whiny child, I’d procreate and get one of my own. At least then I’d get the benefit of a tax break! Or I’d get a boyfriend and cut off all sex. I haven’t done either of those things, ergo I don’t want to hear a whiny fucking child.

Then after 20 minutes of trying to mute this kid out with a pillow over my head and seeing Sam the Cat’s ears pulled sharply back in fear, the mom finally went out the yard to comfort the kid. In two seconds she had wiped down the slide and the kid shut up. You couldn’t fucking do that before!? I sighed and hoped that I could go back to sleep, due to the continuing insomnia I had only gotten to sleep around 4am, so I was tired and bitchy. Sam the Cat ran off and hid under the bed.

I lay my head down and then almost jumped out of my skin. 7:22AM on a fucking Saturday and that bitch had turned on her vacuum. She vacuumed for almost 40 minutes, while I alternated between trying to use a pillow to suffocate myself and wondering if I should take the time to throw some clothes on and go downstairs. I decided not to go downstairs because I would have killed her. And that’s a bad first impression to make with new neighbors, you know? I suffered through it and after she finished vacuuming every last inch of that sardine sized apartment, I got up. Because I couldn’t sleep. Because that bitch and her crotch spawn had ruined my REM cycle.

The next morning she vacuumed at 8am. On a Sunday. With a broken vacuum that screeched like a Banshee. Who the fuck does that!? I planned on going downstairs to confront her, but the noise woke Sam the Cat up who panicked and tried to hide under my head, which caused her to get tangled in my hair. It took twenty minutes to extract a shaking and terrified Sam the Cat from my locks, who then lay on my stomach and cried piteously. As I attempted to comfort my poor kitten, Bitch finally stopped vacuuming. Every day since then, this woman has vacuumed between 7am and 8am. Normally I wouldn’t care, because I get up at 6:30 to get ready for work, but if she ruins another weekend sleep in, I’ll fucking rip her face off. See? This is me without sleep. Dangerous. Angry. Willing to hurt random rude people. On the other hand, she contributed to the situation by taking away my chance at getting some shut eye.

I guess this is what it’s like being the unintentional villain in a superhero movie. Like, some evil mad scientist experiments on an animal or child, creating a super villain capable of great destruction. Then they lose control of said experimentee and are shocked when their creation turns on them. Well lady, you’re helping me become evil, guess you shouldn’t be surprised when I turn on you and vacuum your face off with your Banshee Vacuum.


Since then I’ve happily played movies and computer games loudly until 2am since I can’t sleep anyway. Gangs of New York? Hope you like hearing the bar fights, sex scenes and death threats! Then last night Evelyn came over and we started to talk. She mentioned finding her sister’s boyfriend’s p0rn last time she was at their apartment.

“Do you think my sister get’s jealous or concerned that he doesn’t find her attractive because he has such a large p0rn collection?”

“No.”

“Are you going to explain that statement?”

“Dude, all men watch p0rn. It’s natural. As long as he watches it and then does your sister, it’s fine. If he watches and does someone else it would concern me.”

“But those women are so sexy.” I started choking on my water.

“What p0rn are you watching?!”

“Oh, I’ve never watched p0rn.” Hold the freaking phone. Never!?!

“Ok, first of all, how the hell did you get to the ripe old age of 23 without watching p0rn? Second of all? Those women may be what guys like to watch, but that doesn’t make them perfect. They have stretch marks and cellulite and one wonky boob just like us normal women.”

“Don’t they fix that during editing?”

“Hell no! They’re on a budget and most guys don’t give a damn. These women are not Jennifer-Freaking-Aniston whose agent will make sure every pic of her is airbrushed so she still looks 26. Men are paying to watch sex and that’s what they get. It’s only women watching who will stare critically at asses.”

“How much p0rn have you watched?” Note: I had to delete my answer for privacy reasons. I’ll say this much – I’ve watched as much as I’ve wanted to. That’s vague and not really an answer, right? Good.

So because I felt in a giving mood, I pulled out a DVD and put it in so that Evelyn could say she’s seen p0rn. And you know what? We spent most of it debating about whose makeup was cuter and what parts of us are firmer/more shapely than certain parts of the…’actresses’. I had fun. And the best part? Knowing that my neighbors had to have heard, because you can hear a fly sneeze in the next room, that’s how thin the walls are in this building.

I hope you and your family enjoyed hearing my p0rn at 2:30am. Now turn off your fucking vacuum or I’m going to the adult store and buying something kinky and loud…

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