I just remembered why I took a hiatus from dating – I’m a super crazy basket case. Not in the “I’ll kill you if you leave me” way (I’m afraid of blood so that whole thing never worked out for me) more like “OMG, this guy likes me. *Slight wheezing sound* What do I do? No way he’d like me if he heard the wheezing sound. Oh geeze, why am I still making that sound?! *Heart starts to race* Oh no, now my chest hurts. What was I going to do? Oh right, text him back. What should I say? *Gasps for breath* This is so not happening. Not now! I’m in public! I bet everyone near me is worried that I ate a peanut and have a terrible allergy or something. God I hope no one sticks me with their spare EPI Pen. Would that give me a heart attack? *Wheezing continues* Or maybe they’d search my purse for my EPI Pen, then they’d discover that I don’t have one. *Chest pains radiate* Then I’d die hyperventilating on the ground while people desperately searched for a non-existent EPI Pen in my purse. Who am I joking? I’d probably die here and everyone would assume that someone else called the police. That teenager over there would never call an ambulance for me, he’s too busy texting. What a jerk! *Hyperventilating commences* End scene.

Anyone who chants “don’t sound crazy” while contemplating what to text back should probably be on medication, but I really hated how the pills made me feel, you know? Don’t knock my anxiety disorder, we all have our crosses to bear. I bet you have adult acne! Great, now I’m insulting the few people who read this damn blog. Sorry! Come again soon! Awesome, now I sound like Apu. Let’s just get back to the story, shall we?

So I decided to consult my handy-dandy brother, RockStar. I texted him last night:

Zoogie2: Hey do you ever have feelings of panic or shortness of breath when thinking about commitment?

I knew as soon as I sent it that I shouldn’t have. First of all, his three Psych classes in college don’t make him an expert. Secondly, he’s been in major relationships since he was 16 – I’ve never met anyone who can commit more.

RockStar: No

Zoogie2: Well a little bit of reassurance would have been nice

RockStar: Sigh. You’re dumb


RockStar: You have an intense fear of commitment because you were surrounded by chaotic failed relationships. You therefore associate commitment with pain, anger, shame and all those other shitty feelings. You avoid the commitment so you won’t have to confront your past.

Sounds legit….but wait!

Zoogie2: If that was true then you saw the same thing, wouldn’t you have commitment issues too?

No response to that. In conclusion, I’m crazy and should probably not be allowed to date. Ever.