My birthday did not turn out like I expected it to. On the day of my birthday I was supposed to go out drinking with SlipNSlide, my brother’s girlfriend. I called her at 8:30p, wondering why I hadn’t heard from her. That’s when I found out that she was at RR’s birthday party. Oh hell.

Little bit of background: I stupidly dated one of my best friends right after high school. I knew he was an ass, I knew it was a bad idea but I did it anyway. He cheated on me, dumped me over Myspace during finals week and in general made my life suck. I call him Pretentious Author, because he was writing a book about his sexual exploits while we were together (I know, what was I thinking??). I can only pray that he never finishes it and/or no one thinks it’s worth publishing.

The worst was what has happened since our breakup four years ago (that’s right, four years but it haunts me still…). His family became convinced that I was pining for him (I wonder who told them that). Since I date around but usually don’t stay in relationships long term, my perpetual singleness seems to reinforce their beliefs. Mostly, I don’t take guys home to meet my family because they are crazy, but Pretentious Author’s family is convinced that I sit around all day wishing he would take me back. Um, no.

So every time I run into his family we make small talk and then they get this pitying look on their faces and advise me to meet someone new. Arguing that I am over him only causes them to shake their heads and claim I’m in denial. Wait, what? I’ll emphasize that it’s been FOUR YEARS. I’ve dated guys since then, I have no idea why they think I cry pathetically into a printed pic stolen from his Facebook. I actually can’t stand him since I found out he was cheating and haven’t seen him since we broke up. RR is one of Pretentious Author’s friends so the minute SlipNSlide picked up the phone, he wrestled it from her and proceeded to drunkenly shout into the phone how I should stop wasting my life on Pretentious Author and that if I came down to the bar they were at, he would help me find a guy to have sex with in the bathroom. You know, so that I could get over Pretentious Author.

Suffice to say I spent my actual birthday at home having declined the generous offer of going to the bar and having sex with some random guy in the gross pubic bathroom. Then Smokey and Boss showed up around midnight and we stayed up half the night catching up – I always forget how much I miss seeing them.

My party (the next day) was a disaster. It was supposed to be a BBQ in the park, but it rained. So we all huddled together, freezing (how can it be that cold in June??) and drinking beer to stay warm. I had bought a piñata and filled it with those little bottles of alcohol and chocolates filled with liqueur. When we beat the damn thing, the head disconnected with the body and none of the alcohol came out, it just sat in the body on the ground. How unsatisfying. Afterwards Boss, Smokey and I headed back to my place to pig out on pizza, wings and brownies. Right before I stuffed the first one in my mouth, Smokey gently touched my hand.

“I know you’ve turned all ‘straight arrow’ since graduating, but Boss and I figured you needed some fun.” Smokey said, with Boss grinning in the background. “We made you something special.” Then she looked at the brownie and winked.

Now I grew up and went to college in California, so I’ve done my fair share of experimenting but that brownie didn’t even taste like it was anything other than chocolate. One minute we were watching Big Love and laughing and then suddenly my head was swimming and I had an intense body high. I instantly quieted, turned and looked at Smokey and all she could say was, “Oh shit.” Apparently they didn’t consider how long it had been since the last time I had “fun” so they made these things super strong, and I ate more than one.

I don’t remember too much about the rest of the day before they left. I was mostly trying to focus on one thing at a time and failing miserably while giggling. It was so strong that I actually looked hungover the next day. I’m a little concerned that there was more in there than Smokey told me. Or maybe I just don’t remember everything she said. So all in all, not my best birthday. I didn’t get drunk, it rained, and I got extremely high and was virtually incapable of articulate speech. Maybe next year will be better.

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