I’m completely confused. I started talking to a guy using a dating site and he seemed nice – his pic was pretty cute although a little blurry. Basically, I figure people online are not exactly the cream of the crop and a bit desperate (what does that say about me?), but (usually) cool people.

He works evenings and I work days, so we agreed to meet up on my lunch break. We’d had some good conversations and texts and I was looking forward to it, but I wasn’t exactly pinning my hopes on this. I parked and went to the front of the restaurant. Guy in blue, guy in blue I repeated to myself. There was only one guy in blue in front of the restaurant. And he was fucking hott. I mean…HOTTT (I have added another “T” to show just how out of this world attractive this guy is. I mean, I take bad pics too…but seriously!?! WTF is this guy doing online?)

Not only is he so handsome that Adonis would be jealous, but he’s got shoulders and arms that made my mouth go dry while I simultaneously wiped drool off of my chin. After about 10 seconds of awkwardness we started talking about everything under the sun and it turns out he is smart AND funny. We shared some of our terrible first dates and one of his was going to a movie with a woman who groped him during their goodbye hug. I jokingly thanked him for telling me he didn’t like to be groped, since I’d had every intention of feeling him up when saying goodbye. We both laughed – too bad I was only half joking. We ended up having the best conversation ever and realized belatedly that I had taken a 2 1/2 hour lunch on accident. Ooops.

I tried to play it cool after lunch, I mean really tried. But I ended up calling Kelso and screeching into the phone that I totally wanted to have his babies (well, not literally…probably). I described him this way: “I wouldn’t kick him out of bed. I mean, I’d probably tie him up so he could never leave. It would be a whole Misery thing…keep him forever. Yup. Yum.” Kelso pointed out that my headboard isn’t capable of accommodating large, attractive men tied to it, it’s a sleigh bed. So now on top of everything else in my life, I have to figure out how to tie men up to a sleigh bed. Sigh, the problems in my life can be overwhelming.

So what is the problem, you ask? He’s…really…confusing…because…he’s…uncommunicative. It’s just more of an intuition thing, rather than something I can quantify. Basically, I have no idea what he’s thinking through text. After that lunch, he texted me 5 minutes after I drove away. Good sign, yes? But then he was really vague and I waited and waited for him to ask me out again (technically I asked him out for lunch the first time). TweedleSweet has been very clear – I should make him chase me. Here’s the various advice I’ve received.

TweedleSweet: “Play hard to get. Make him chase you.”

Uhhh, I’m not a fast runner.

Smokey: “Just ask him to go to a movie or something, then jump him. Oh you want to date him, not just screw him? Wow, Uhhh idk, I just sort of sleep around.”


ZA (my lovely friend from South Africa): “Just ask him out. If he thinks you’re too forward, he wouldn’t be able to handle you any way.”

In the end I thought about it, did a quick shot of rum for courage and just asked him out for Saturday. He said he had a family thing for father’s day that evening, but what about lunch? So we went to this Chinese place that I secretly worship and had another 2 1/2 hour lunch full of laughter. The minute we met up all of my confusion went away – he seemed really into me. We were sat by the kitchen, which was also by the bathrooms. This older gentleman with a walker trundled past us and on his way back to his seat stopped by our table. He turned to HOTTT and said, “How did you get such a beautiful girlfriend?” HOTTT and I just looked at each other, then I made some comment about how the older man could probably woo me away. It was seriously the perfect comment and HOTTT and I spent the next 10 minutes thinking of ways that he could compete with the old guy. Our conclusion? The walker is a definite draw for me, but if HOTTT got a monocle and cane, he’d have a fighting chance. Thank you old dude!

When we got our fortune cookies, mine said ‘A good day to spend with a companion’. Nice. Then he read his – “Fortuitous things will happen if you accept the next proposal you receive’. SCORE! So I kept him on pins and needles the rest of lunch, wondering what I was going to propose. After lunch we parted ways again, and I made Kelso suffer some more with my screaming. When I got to my place my mom was waiting outside and we ended up having a few words about what to do for father’s day. In a nutshell? My dad died when I was a kid and she used to try to get my brother and me to celebrate with my former step-father, an abusive man with issues. Harley, my current step-dad is actually a nice guy but RockStar and I disagree that we should get him father’s day presents – she didn’t even meet him until we were both adults. It’s not like he had any fatherly capacity at all. “But it would mean so much to him”, Mom whines. Really? Then maybe he should have had his own kids. Anyway, I’m off topic. So while having this wonderful fight that happens every year, I gave up on thinking of anything creative and proposed that HOTTT plan our next date. He accepted this challenge, but since then he’s been vague (again) and basically hasn’t planned anything at all. Hmmmm maybe that’s why he’s on a dating site – he sucks at communication.

Or maybe I’m being naive and overly optimistic…maybe he already has a girlfriend and he’s using the site to get some on the side? Except he hasn’t actually made a move. I’d say he’s just not that into me, but both lunch dates were freaking awesome. He said he had a good time afterwards. Dammit men, can’t you just be up front so that I know if I should take the time to Google “how to tie men up to a sleigh bed”? Geeze!