I have no idea why I torture myself like this. A few weeks ago I was talking to Elle, complaining about the lack of good guys in Hometown and she cut me off.

“Zoogie2, you can’t bitch if you aren’t even trying.” I sputtered about how I’ve looked around. “You haven’t even tried online dating since you’ve moved back to Hometown. Try renewing your account.”

Oh yea, that worked out well last time. That’s how I met Jarhead. But after a few days I decided Elle was right. I can’t sit here and say that there are no good guys in this town if I haven’t tried every means possible to meet one. So I renewed my old account and dove right in. For some reason, I decided to set up three first dates within four days. MISTAKE.

-Rollo-

We shared long emails and texts about books, movies, things we liked to do. We met up for coffee on Sunday and after talking for three hours we left after making loose plans to meet up for a movie. I sent him a text a few days later asking how his day was going and received a one word answer back: “Fine”. Haven’t heard anything since and since I have a decent amount of self-esteem, I’m not going to chase after this guy to see what changed.

-The Jock-

Two days after my coffee with Rollo I had drinks with The Jock. On paper he seemed amazing – he’s in a PhD program for Chemical Engineering, plays on the local college’s sports team and we seemed to have a lot in common. Over drinks I grew more and more disinterested. He talked about how he never does his homework, doesn’t go to his assigned lab hours and usually doesn’t understand what others in the program are talking about. Mostly, he likes to watch Netflix and skip class.

“So you mentioned that you came here straight from work, right?” Jock asked.

“Umm yea.” I said, wondering if he was going to ask me to grab dinner with him. I started going through excuses I could give.

“Well, it’s getting late – you might want to get dinner. I’m going home to watch Netflix.” He said shortly, sliding off his bar stool.

Quite the charmer.

-Twitch-

I met up with Twitch at a coffee shop and while he downed a Grande it was painfully obvious that he didn’t need it. It ended up being kind of cute how nervous he was, but we had a nice conversation. We’ve gone out a few more times since our initial coffee date, but I really can’t get a read on the guy. It seems like he online dates because he’s too scared to make a move. I’m keeping him for now, we’ll see how it goes.

And now the winner of strangest date….

-Saran Wrap-

He gave me his number when I got my hair done and we’ve been texting ever since. We decided to meet up on Friday and go to a movie so earlier that day I sent him a list of movies that looked good. He texted me back saying that we should just rent one and watch at his place, which would be empty until 9pm.

Hold the phone.

I’m not a bootycall, I have class you ass wipe. Nor do I intend on being murdered on some tarp in the living room for easy clean up before your roommate comes home at 9. I informed him that he could either go out to a movie or skip the date, but I wasn’t going to his place. I’d met him once for 3 seconds in a drive-thru, I do have self-preservation instincts. He replied that he hadn’t meant it that way, it was just that he couldn’t use his car until the end of the week. You should note that I said all of that much nicer than I did here, mostly because I love being a sarcastic ass on my blog but I want people to like me in real life. So I was polite in my texting but this was what I was thinking.

At the time, I let that odd statement fly, but now I wonder why he couldn’t use his car. It’s just a very awkward statement -if the car was broken down or in the shop, it would be easier to say that. Why til the end of the week? DUI? Forgot to update the registration? The previous chick he murdered is still in the trunk and he can’t get to the dump-site until Friday?

Anyway, he asked me to pick him up so I asked where he lived. At this point, it’s 9:30 at night and I’m tired – I worked all day, went to the gym and prettied myself up for a date that’s quickly going downhill. He texted back “I live in <bad part of Hometown> on <street where a recent stabbing occurred>”. Fabulous, I’ve never liked streetlights or safety any way.

I told him that it didn’t sound like our date was working out for that night, maybe we could reschedule? He proceeded to get mad at me telling me “I waz gunna go outta town but cancelled 4 u”. Lovely. I responded that he chose the day, not me and further I wouldn’t have recommended that he change existing plans for one date. He texted me the next morning at 8am (on a Saturday? Please, I’m comatose until at least 10am) asking if I was mad and saying he was still a little mad.

Dude we’ve known each other for 2 seconds, get over it. We tried to set up a few more dates, but he works nights and I work days. Plus he keeps saying really sketchy things, like asking me what my hours are and if I stay late he asks why I’m still at work, since I should have gotten out earlier. Great way to track my comings and goings. Or things where he talks about how I never pay attention to him; news flash – I have a full time job, I volunteer, I go to the gym when I’m not being lazy and I’m talking to three guys right now. You are not my #1 priority because we aren’t exclusive.

You know the part of Romantic Comedies where the people in the relationship do whatever they can, make whatever sacrifices needed to stay together? I’m not so good at that. Usually when the going gets tough I throw in the towel. Only if I’m really serious about the relationship will I put effort into keeping it, so I can count the number of times I’ve stuck it out on one hand. So I shrugged it off, remembered that I have other options and tried to break it off. I’ve tried 3 times so far, but every time I start to tell him that we shouldn’t talk any more he starts talking and gets me confused. I don’t know how he does it, but he just talks me in circles until I’m cross eyed. I sense time #4 is coming up and this time I intend on shutting it down for good.

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