I hate Ralphs’ self checkout line with a passion that is unmatched. Hometown is so small that there aren’t many other options when you need groceries and Ralphs has the best selection. It’s always crowded because the other grocery stores suck and there are only five regular checkout lines but there are 12 self checkout stands, so most of us skip regular and go for self checkout.

This particular Ralphs has two rows of self checkout but everyone lines up along one side. Inevitably one douche nugget will glance at the normal lines and cringe, then glance at the self checkout line and decide that they are a special, unique little snowflake and don’t deserve to melt in our long line. So they jump into the empty area and make their own line.

Yes, that’s fair. I’ve been standing in this damn line for 8 minutes waiting for my turn but by all means, it’s completely reasonable that your delicate little toes are sore so you should get your very own special line. Fuck you asshole.

Usually the employees see this happening and just glance away. In a way, I don’t blame them. Who wants to get yelled at by a customer or constantly have to police these people? It’s not like it’s just one person, it’s a constant barrage of people who do the same thing and they aren’t exactly kind when they’re told to go to the back of the line. “I’ve been waiting” they whine; like the 20 seconds they stood in a non-existent line entitles them to jumping in front of people who have been waiting for 10 minutes. I know your mommy said you were special but guess what sweetheart? You aren’t.

It’s no picnic being the customer who has to tell others that there is already a line. Usually they pretend they haven’t heard me and they rush to the checkout machine the minute it opens. Then you have a fight on your hands and if the next guy in line is missing his balls, the line-jumper gets their way. I don’t like to let this happen because it only reinforces the cheater’s self-importance.

Last week I was standing in the checkout line and once again one of these entitled jackasses tried to cut in front of everyone. I was still five people deep into this line and I took a deep breath and felt this overwhelming exhaustion. Everyone else glanced at this guy and then sighed, like they didn’t want to say anything. Suddenly one of the employees called out.

“Sir? There’s already a line for self-checkout.”

“But I’ve been waiting here.” The douche cricket said in a long suffering tone, as if it was the employee’s fault.

“You’ve only been there for a minute and they’ve been waiting much longer. You need to go to the end of the line.” This woman said in a no-nonsense tone. She then stood there and waited until he walked to the end of our line. She continued to police the line for the next few minutes ensuring that three more of these jackasses were sent to the back of the line. It was both a heroic gesture and also a bit pathetic – there are kindergarteners who are more mature.

I tried to find the employee after I was done checking out to thank her, but she had already left the area. Whoever she is, she is my hero!

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