Anytime an attractive man walks into the room, I can point out at least one girl struck stupid…all I need to do is look in a mirror. For some reason, all of my intelligence gets sucked out of my ears by an invisible vaccuum in a sadistic move that usually ends with me making an ass out of myself. My favorite moment of idiocy happened a few years ago. I left the library at Generic College after a night of studying and jumped into my car to hit some fast food before heading to a friend’s house. Wendy’s had the Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger for $1 and it was on the way to Smokey’s apartment, so I pulled into the drive-thru.

Please don’t send me hate mail or death threats, because what I’m about to admit is shocking: I don’t like bacon. I think it’s a mixture of the crunchy, greasiness of it and the actual taste. I’m not really a fan of pork in general, but bacon may be one of my least favorite meats. It’s right up there with veal, tongue and haggis.

But the Jr. Bacon Cheeseburger is only $1.

So I usually order it without bacon (which saves Wendy’s money, might I add!). Always the drive thru person asks me why I don’t want bacon, like I’m spitting on a priest or mooning their ailing grandmother. I’ve come up with a number of responses – I’m trying to keep kosher as best I can, I don’t like pig, I don’t like the way (enter restaurant here) makes their bacon, I’m not feeling like it today…you get my drift. 95% of the time, they try to dig deeper than a therapist – “Was it some traumatic incident in your past that led you to a life of pork-hating???” Uh, no.

Back to the drive thru – I order my burger and pull up right away, so I don’t have to listen to the person’s questions through the static and grating screech of the drive thru speaker. He opens the window and starts to ask me a question, but time and sound have stopped for me. He may be the most gorgeous man in the world.

I could see his lips moving, asking me something, but I was too busy drooling and trying desperately not to blink so I wouldn’t miss one second of his beauty. Cut back to reality — he stares and me and I answer “What?”

“I said, why don’t you want bacon?”

A thousand excuses run through my mind and suddenly fall out of my head like sand rushing out of a broken hourglass. I stare blankly for a minute and then grab onto the first reason that shifts through my mind.

“I’m a vegetarian.” This is the part where you cringe, because I ordered a BEEF burger.

We stared at each other for a few looooong seconds and I feel horror begin to creep into my very soul. Did I just fucking say that? Luckily, he started laughing and told me how funny I was, as he took my money and handed me my bag. I slowly drove to Smokey’s and told her everything in detail so she could mock me for the next few years. I never saw my Adonis of Wendy’s again, but to this day I hold my head in shame of the stupid crap that flies out of my mouth around a pretty man…

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