…and it’s that she’s not as great as she says she is. I’ve loved the VS for years; where else do you find cute bras in larger sizes? Well, not anymore.

I accidentally washed my favorite bra (seriously adorable, it’s tan snakeskin print in silk!) in warm water and it started fitting me incorrectly. So I sighed, hugged it goodbye and then skipped off to my local VS to find something new and cute, but every bra I tried on fit wrong. With a growing suspicion and worry in my heart, I had myself remeasured. I went up a cup size…after losing weight. I thought every woman bitched about a shrinking bra size after they lost weight!

I sighed and then tried to look on the bright side – wearing a low cut shirt just got even better! So I wandered around the store, looking for something hott. Every time I found something I liked (every 2 feet!) it wasn’t available in my new size. At first I was surprised, then I was felt insulted and finally I was just plain frustrated. At that exact moment, Cowgirl saw me. Cowgirl is best friends with SlipNSlide (my brother’s girlfriend); I had forgotten that she got a job at VS. She ran over to catch up and then offered to help me find something. I explained the situation.

“Oh no, you’re not a DD are you?” She asked, worried.

“Uhh,” I glanced down at my chest then back at her, “how the hell did you know that?” I glanced suspiciously at the other salespeople, “Can everyone working here size you based on one look!?!”

“No, SlipNSlide has the same problem. She lost weight and then jumped up to DD. She came looking for a new bra and couldn’t find anything cute in her size. She decided to squish into a regular D rather than wear something ugly.”

“I wonder if it freaks RockStar out that his girlfriend and I are so alike. I know people supposedly marry their parents, but their sibling? That’s just weird.” I mused; she and I are a lot alike in body type and many aspects of our personalities. Creepy.

I grabbed every bra available in my size, but they were all in dull colors and disturbingly un-cute. Why is it if you have breasts the size of Hersey’s Kisses, your bras are available in abundant cuts and colors but if you actually need to wear a bra they offer them in tan, black and white (maybe one other color if you’re lucky) and they all look like something Granny would wear?

When I’m 90 I’ll wear a dreary, ugly bra. Until then I demand something cute! One time I flashed my tan snakeskin bra at a bunch of friends including BBG. He pulled me aside a few minutes later and had to swallow numerous times before he was able to talk. That’s the type of reaction a bra should have, it shouldn’t cause a guy to try to remember if he wished his Nana a happy birthday the week before!

After trying on every available bra in my size in the whole damn store, Cowgirl gave me an apologetic look. “Well, there’s this cute bra, part of one collection that you can buy online. SlipNSlide likes it.”

“Why would I buy a random bra off of the internet without ever trying it on?” I asked. “This one,” I said, indicating one I was trying on, which somehow looked nice before I put it on but once it was on me, it practically reached my neck, “looks cute on the hanger, but on me? Who would have guessed it would look this bad? I’m not spending money without knowing that I’ll like it.” I said goodbye to Cowgirl and left the store. FUCK THEM. It’s not like I’m an F or an I (Yes, those are real bra sizes)! There are lots of women in my size.

I thought about it and I decided to contact SisJ, Evelyn’s older sister. She’s always been very busty, maybe she would have some advice. I told her what was going on and she cut me off before I even said my new size.

“Oh yeah, you must have reached DD. Once you hit that, there’s nothing easily available.” Side note – is DD the magical size where hot lingerie disappears!? Why does everyone know this but me?

“What did you do?” I asked. She recently had reduction surgery for her back problems, but I knew she had cute bras when she was more top heavy.

“Oh, well I used to drive to Frederick’s of Hollywood.”

“That’s almost a three hour drive!” I blurted out.

“Worth. It.”

Fuck that. I’m just going to go to the gym more often, I’m not shelling out that much money for gas and a new bra; I’m just going to lose more weight so that I can buy a bra from a local store (although I might picket VS from now on…). You suck Victoria’s Secret!