Whiskey Girl gave me a beautiful African Violet for my cubicle, because she knows how much I love green and purple. However, I have the blackest thumb around. I kill plants by looking at them. I don’t mean to! It just sort of…happens. So, my sad little plant is wasting away, impervious to my efforts to revive it. I placed it on the windowsill near my cube, hoping that more light would save it’s damaged little soul.

Speed Racer, one of my coworkers, stopped by my cube to let me know the violets were gone and that I would have to go find them if I ever wanted them to see the light of day again. Since I was working (you know, that thing some people do at the office), I couldn’t go searching for it right away. By the time I got around to it, I couldn’t find the damn thing anywhere. I felt awkward glancing into people’s cubicles so I mainly stuck to the kitchen and hallway areas where I was sure he stashed it. Eventually I gave up and IM’d Whiskey Girl to let her know that the flower had been plant-napped. With both of us putting pressure on Speed Racer, he eventually confessed to hiding it in the cubicle of someone on vacation. I told him that I would have my revenge and Whiskey Girl and I put our heads together at lunch and formed a plan:


Speed Racer had a beta fish that he keeps at his desk. Our plan was to write a randsom note, steal the fish and then watch him try to find it. That will teach him to steal my voilet. Muhahaha! Whiskey Girl made the note – gluing letters cut out from a newspaper onto a pink post-it note and drawing a picture of a dead fish. It read “If you go fishing, you might find him.”

Meanwhile, I waited until the coast was clear and managed to carry the fish all the way to the other side of the building while only being seen by one person from a different department. A friend had agreed to keep the fish at his desk until Speed Racer came looking for it, then they were going to demand $1 million or 25 paperclips in exchange for the “hostage”. After everything was set up, we sat back to watch the fun. We waited. And waited. And waited…finally he came by my desk to tell me that he hated the fish and didn’t want it back. At first I wondered if this was a ploy at reverse psychology – he says he doesn’t want the fish so I try to give it to him.


He hated his fish.

I was doing him a favor.

Dammit! Now I’ve made the fish an orphan and failed in my original plan to get back at Speed Racer. I forgot the fish existed until the next morning. My friend was wondering when the ransom of 25 paperclips would appear so they wouldn’t have the fish on their desk. Uh oh. I brought it back to my desk, waiting for Speed Racer to come into work. Except he never appeared – he had requested the day off of work a few weeks before. So I waited around for someone out of town.

After a while I moved the fish into the cube next to mine and emailed Speed Racer about his whereabouts. For the rest of the day, people played pass the fish until I lost track of where he was moved to. A few days later, Speed Racer asked me to be sure to feed his fish…uhhh who has the fish?

We’re not sure where he is right now. I lost the fish!