Quick Recap: My first roomate in college kept me up all night right before my first exam with loud, obnoxious sex. You can read more about our formal introduction here and our informal “WTF are you doing?!” introduction here.

I rushed back to my dorm, determined to make her see that what she did was wrong. I also had every intention of pointing out her lies (namely that she was a virgin waiting for marriage but had just had loud sex right next to me the night before). I walked into our room, threw down my backpack in an angry challenge and…she wasn’t there. After searching around I realized that she must have left for classes and stayed away, avoiding me. I went to work, mentally rehearsing the speech and cutting remarks I would make to her later.

Hours later she showed up and I told her we needed to have a chat in our room. Alone. I decided to make it simple: “What you did last night was not ok. I don’t want to hear anyone having sex next to me and I told you that I needed to wake up early.”

Her reply was astounding; “We didn’t have sex.”

Wait. Hold the phones. WHAT? I may have been an idiotic 18 year old, but I knew what sex sounds like and it was clear what they were doing next to me. I guess my feelings showed on my face, because she immediately launched into the lamest excuse since Bill Clinton said he did not have sex with that woman; “We were faking to play a prank on you. We didn’t actually have sex.”

Now, I won’t go into any details about what exactly I heard, but I think everyone reading this will agree that there are times when a lie just isn’t feasible. I heard things that I will not specify but that can’t be mistaken for anything but sex! I decided that the point wasn’t worth pushing; my main goal was to have him (and hopefully her) sleep somewhere else until he decided to get his ass off my couch and never return. Remember, I was a young kid, sheltered from life. I was used to being listened to without much hassle and my views respected. So when I told her that I didn’t want him sleeping in our room, I expected her to try to convince me to change my mind and then give up. That is not what happened.

She launched into a long monologue about how it was her half of the room and she wouldn’t have fake sex in it anymore, but that I couldn’t dicate to her. She had an amazing ability to keep talking even when I tried to interject. Some part of me was not confident that I could demand this and worried that I wasn’t being “worldly” enough and so in the end I awkwardly told her that if they had sex near me again, I would go to the RA and ask that she intercede.

In retrospect, I regret rolling over and letting her win that fight. It only set me up for failure until I learned that she never listened unless you fought with all guns brandished. If RFH had one gift in life, it was the ability to verbally steamroll her way over anyone and everyone, but it took me a while to realize that. I lost my self righteous steam while she babbled on and since I naturally avoid conflict, I just hoped that she would stick to her word.

Her BFF stayed over, sex-sound free for the next few days. I won’t say it wasn’t rocky – he ended up eating a lot of my food, sleeping in until 4 or 5 in the afternoon and complaining if I “disturbed” him (such as when I went into my room to get things), snoring every night and stealing $200 from RFH before leaving.

Finally, he left and I hoped that things would get easier, but like all Roommates from Hell, RFH wasn’t going to make my life any easier…