I feel like someone is out to get me. Yesterday, I was almost in three seperate car crashes.

#1: I left work surprisingly early, around 5:45. It was still normal traffic time, so I wasn’t surprised to go 45-55mph in the fast lane. The guy driving behind me, however, seemed to think he was superior to the commuters around him and they should get the hell out of his way.

First of all, he had a gigantic white truck – the kind where even tall people need a boost to get into it. It screamed “I’m insecure about the size of my package and I have good reason to be!”

We were all driving like a huge inch worm, the person in front of you would pull closer and closer to the car in front of them, realize they were too close and then rather than hitting the brakes, they would just take their foot off of the gas and it would slow them down. Then the person behind them would get too close and do the same thing. It’s normal traffic behavior, but for some reason this asshole acted like he’d never had this happen before.

This guy would get so close to me that I wasn’t able to see his lights in my rearview mirror and I have a smallish car, fairly low to the ground. He would literally get so close that he would have to slam on his brakes to avoid hitting me. This caused me to keep a large gap between me and the guy in front of me, because I worried that if I didn’t have enough time to react the Asshole would end up rear ending me. Maybe even driving over my car, monster truck style. Asshole seemed really pissed off that I was leaving that huge gap, but I wouldn’t have had to if not for him practically humping my car with his!

I finally pulled out my cell phone to call the cops on this guy. I realized that I was so scared of him behind me that I wasn’t giving the road as much attention as I should. At that exact moment, he got so close to me I could practically see the whites of his eyes! Then he cut in front of the guy in the lane next to us, pulls across the entire three lane freeway and crosses the white line to exit illegally! What an ass!

#2: I finished my drive to the store to buy more cat litter for Sam the Cat. As I was driving home, there was a pedestrian walking in a cross walk at a three way intersection. I was in the lane with the right of way, with another car stopped waiting to turn right into my lane. I stopped, waited for the pedestrian to cross safely then started forward, since I did not have a stop sign and had right of way. There were no cars behind me, so I figured that the car could wait until after I’d gone. [If there was a line of cars behind me, I would have graciously allowed the other car to go first, rather than making them wait until everyone else had gone].

They chose that EXACT moment to go screeching into the intersection, trying to get in front of me. They almost hit my front right tire! After flipping them off, I clutched my racing heart (priorities are important!) and drove home carefully, worried that someone had targeted me for death by vehicle…

Later that evening I drove to Evelyn’s house to hang out for a few hours. I drove cautiously, afraid that I would become an organ donor earlier than expected, but there were no problems.

#3: …until I drove home from Evelyn’s. I decided to take a back street home, including an alley that leads to my house, because there was some night construction. I usually avoid the alley because even though it saves on time, it’s pretty dangerous. In order to exit the alley you have to drive up a very steep exit back onto the main street. Usually, you can’t see if there are people on the sidewalk because of the extreme angle of this exit and I live near an elementary school. I’m always worried that I’ll hit someone, but it was late at night and unlikely that anyone would be walking there, plus I’m a very cautious driver and made sure to go slowly.

Another danger is the main street itself. There are a number of apartment buildings (mine is further down), so many people with multiple cars only receive one off street parking spot, which mean their other car(s) must be parked on the street. So turning onto the main street is dangerous during the day because you can’t see if anyone is driving on it coming toward you, because your view is blocked by all of the parked cars. Its less dangerous at night because you can see their headlights.

When I tried to look both ways (I was turning left), I saw that there was a car on my left but their light beams seemed far away. There was no light coming from my right. I wanted to confirm that the person on the left was far enough away, so I inched out into the street. They were in the center of the street, but pretty far down so I had plenty of time to turn left. I started driving toward them expecting them to move to their side of the road from the center. We got closer and they weren’t moving to hug their side of the road. Because there were so many cars on the street, I had no where to go – there wasn’t anywhere for me to turn and no way for me to get closer to the right. As they came straight for me, looking like they would hit my car I hit the horn like it was a trivia buzzer and I was about to win it all. At the last possible second they veered away to their side and I started gasping, shocked that they hadn’t actually hit me. They pulled into the alley and I wasn’t able to get their license number.

Driving to work this morning raised my blood pressure. I was sure that one of those three jackasses would finally hit my car!