Weight.

The favorite and most loathed topic for every female. Whether you are fat, skinny, athletic, pudgy — it doesn’t matter. This topic can define how you live, what you say, who you are friends with. Personally, I’ve alway been on the pudgy side. I’m not obese but I’m definitely not a “normal” size. I’ve had some success with diet and exercise, but I’ve always failed in the long-term because I didn’t make a lifestyle change, I made a temporary change and hoped it would last.

Last year one of my best friends, “Evelyn”, who was around 225lbs, decided that she wasn’t going to live like that anymore. She changed her entire life – began working out twice a day and drastically changed what she ate. I was a little worried at first (going to the gym TWICE a day?) but she was under the supervision of her doctor. I don’t think a lot of people understand what it feels like to be so scared of what you look like. Evelyn told me that despite looking like a super hottie, she wakes up in the morning afraid that it’s all been a dream. She opens her eyes convinced that she is still fat and has a figure that she can’t stand to see in the mirror.

My brother’s girlfriend gained a lot of weight when she got her second job. She work anywhere from 9-15 hours a day for her jobs and usually only has a 20 minutes between the two. She started eating fast food and has gained somewhere around 40-50lbs. She used to call me crying, afraid my brother would leave her because she was so “disgusting”. My brother was completely lost, trying to reassure her he wouldn’t leave while also trying to convince her to eat right. I tried to explain it to him, since he couldn’t understand why she was so scared.

In my experience, women have a “voice” that only they can hear. You can hear it any time during the day, sometimes all day. Every woman I know has this voice.

When you pick up a piece of candy, it murmurs that you are FAT.
Everyone is staring at you, judging you.
You are disgusting.
Everyone is friendly on the outside, but inside they are repulsed by you.
You deserve to look this way.
You can never be loved, because how could anyone love a pig like you?

I’ve always wondered if men have a similar voice. Maybe it whispers:
You are small
You point too far to the left
Women fake it with you

I have had an eating disorder – I would binge and then exercise until I felt like I would pass out and die. I’m always afraid to start a new diet or an exercise program, because I don’t want to go down that road again. I’ve never been the “fat” girl, I was usually the in-between one. I wasn’t obese, but I needed to lose weight. I think I became really lazy, after all there was always someone in the room bigger than me.

I know that needs to change. I know I need to be healthy – not just for my weight but for my health. I hope those feelings will eventually stop. How can I plan on making my body healthier, when my mind hasn’t changed? I still feel the same things I did before. Is this something that never ends? Will I hear those words forever?

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