So what happened this weekend, you ask?

Oh. Bad shit.

This blog is new and if anyone is actually reading this, you know virtually nothing about me. Since it’s anonymous, I’ll be perfectly honest. I have a problem.

I suffer from depression, after a LOT of therapy (almost 9 years total) my shrink and I believe that it’s just a chemical imbalance. My genetics just plain suck. Behavioral and cognative crap just doesn’t seem to work for me. I am on anti-depressants but is has a minimual impact. Sometimes it is worse than others and sometimes I almost feel normal. This past weekend was NOT one of those times.

My feelings vary from day to day, but the degree of depression usually stays pretty consistant (so if I’m mildly depressed, that may last for months. One day might be worse, but generally I’ll stay within the same range). On Friday, I felt…like I used to. I went to a friend’s birthday party, went bowling and had fun. He asked me out and I said yes. We haven’t known each other very long, but I figured that I might as well see how it goes, right? WRONG.

Because Saturday I hit LOW, LOW, LOW. Literally, I left the house for less than 10 minutes. I spent most of the day sleeping on the couch with Fringe playing in the background. I physically could not compel myself to get up. Later that night I was able to clean up a bit, before I decided just going to bed was smarter than being awake. I woke up Sunday and it was worse. I had no appetite at all and hadn’t eaten much the day before. I managed to get some food down, but it decided to make a reappearance. This isn’t usual but it’s been known to happen. I spent the day watching more Fringe and my cat (who is notorious for hating contact with people) even came and slept by me for a bit. I’m feeling manageable right now, but recently I’ve noticed that I’m feeling like this much more often. Usually this means I’ll be falling into a few months of major depression. Greeeeaaat.

But now what do I do about my date? Honestly, when I get into a really bad depression I stay away from any hint of a relationship. After putting one guy through this…well I’d rather not hurt anyone like that again.

I know he’s had this crush on me for a while. Maybe if we’d been seeing each other for a while I would go into detail, but I just don’t want to.

What the hell do I do now? He wants to go out tonight and after the morning I’ve had I just want to go home and sleep…

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